The Booty (Archives)
November 9, 2005
Front Office News
Management was apparently not impressed with C. Castille's "T.O." impersonation upon being asked to move out of LCF on Wednesday night. It's going to take a whole heckuva lot more than Drew Rosenhaus to get C. Castille out from under this mess, as Pirates front office personnel have off-the-record guaranteed that Castille will never play LF or LCF again. Reportedly management had been looking for any reason to get Castille's noodle arm out of the OF, and thanks to his most recent theatrics, they have more than sufficient justification to make the move.
In another display of completely unsportsmanlike conduct, M. Thomas severely hacked off Skipper McHale by talking trash to him from first base during Wednesday night's scrimmage. Thomas, who had ironically just been handed to the Pirates' opponents for the evening, looped a lazy single to left field, and upon reaching first base, let loose with a verbal assault from across the diamond onto his venerable manager. When asked how he planned to handle the situation, McHale replied, "Like most other player/manager situations. I drink heavily and completely ignore everything they say."
B. Murillo made his first appearance since the infamous "Five Seconds Game", hit the ball hard, and then refused to return to the Pirates' dugout when beckoned by Skipper McHale. When asked if he was concerned that Murillo may feel that he was unfairly blamed for the loss in the "Five Seconds Game" and may still be holding a grudge against Skipper, McHale responded first with hysterical laughter, then fell out his chair laughing, then he chugged a room temperature Coors Light and finally righted himself upon his stool and resumed laughing hysterically.
Rumor Central
Apparently there is substantial truth to the rumor that new Wrangler's newest pin-up boy, Pirate P J. Pawlik, will be signing softballs and shin guards at Cavender's Boot City on Westheimer Saturday between 2 and 4 p.m.
U.S. Coast Guard officials report finding S. Maguire's cleats and a tuft of his hair on an uninhabited island 55 miles off the coast of Galveston. Judging from the markings on the coast, it appears that S. Maguire was enjoying a radical surfing jaunt when he unexpectedly hit the coast, whereupon he apparently made a headlong dive onto land and has not been seen since.
NASA personnel were in Pirates offices this afternoon to obtain confirmation that the objects appearing scattered across their radar screens on Wednesday night were not U.F.O.'s, but were SS S. Knoblauch, errrrr, Townsend's throws to first base.
1B/P K. Guidry, who pitched rather impressively on Wednesday night, may be dangled as trade bait in the offseason. Management is hesitant to deal Guidry not because he's a valuable talent, but for fear that he will tie up Pirates front office personnel with vengeful, frivolous litigation for years to come should he be moved against his wishes. Guidry, of "batting Guidry" fame, has been dubbed "Bruntlett" by his teammates due to his recent rash of one at-bat appearances.
Infirmary Report
J. Vandenberg - day-to-day with torn muscles in his back as a direct result of three massive swings-and-misses
K. Guidry - expected to miss six-to-eight-months with a broken leg after taking a batted ball to the shin
T. McHale - contusion on his well-cushioned arse after slipping and falling due to his newly purchased steel spikes
M. Thomas - strained larynx from excessively flaunting his own self-worth
L. Ward - slight case of melanoma as the result of an overdose on self-tanning lotion
L. Ward - red-stained teeth from too many tastes of Merlot
November 2, 2005
Front Office News
Negotiations have begun regarding a contract extension for RCF B. O'Rourke. There are several variables at play, including managment's insistence that O'Rourke agree to ingest a powerful cocktail of South American quaaludes on gamedays, O'Rourke's insistence that any teammate questioning his on-field performance be fed to a pack of starving wolves one limb at a time and HBO Sports' demand that O'Rourke be 'miked up' nightly next season as part of their new documentary, "Rage and Sports - It's Not Just for the Pros Anymore."
Pirates' management apparently feels that SS J. Koy thumbed his nose at the organization by choosing to participate in a flag-football game rather than the Pirates' crucial doubleheader on Wednesday night. The Pirates feel that they have already made enough exceptions for Koy, as he is already the only Pirate (prior to the arrival of "The Franchise") who would even contemplate participating in physical activities other than rec-league softball, a characteristic that caused some Pirates' brass to hesitate signing Koy in the first-place because of the negative street cred that having a true 'athlete' on the team could cause.
The painful gymnastics routines performed by 2B Vandenberg and Maguire in recent days have sent Pirates management in search of an import. Allegedly the club is close to agreeing on a deal with Miggy Tejada's six-year old niece in Santo Domingo.
Based on the recent rash of questionable "excused" absences posed by its roster, the Pirates have made a formal Open Records Act request of the Commonwealth of Kentucky, hoping to determine whether S. Townsend's absence, blamed on "his wife's birthday", is anything more than another Guidry-esque ruse. Mrs. Townsend is said to not be amused.
Rumor Central
Starting catcher S. Townsend may have saved his marriage on Wednesday night by choosing to take his wife out to dinner for 'her birthday', but there's a chance that he lost his starting position in the process. His agent denied reports circulating that Townsend has demanded to be traded to any team other than Chaos. No comment yet from star pitcher J. Pawlik, who previously insisted that he and Townsend were a package deal similar to Clemens-Ausmus.
Pirates coaches are concerned about leadoff hitter N. Maguire's new obsession with swinging the bat. Ideas for motivating Maguire to refrain from swinging while at the plate reportedly include placing him in the "Guidry" spot in next week's batting order, forceful removal of the bat from Maguire's hands by muscle-bound security personnel upon his exit from the on-deck circle and the mounting around Maguire's neck of an electric shock collar designed to subtly remind him with 30,000 volts of electricity that his batting average is about one-third of his on-base percentage.
A second electric shock collar may be on order for RCF O'Rourke, who intentionally ignored his coaches' signals on Wednesday and continued to swing for the fences despite having a 3-1 count. It is doubtful that any of the measures being considered for Maguire will be used on O'Rourke because, quite frankly, everyone is scared to death of him.
The Pirates' own Sultan of the Surf crashed ashore at Optimist Park on Wednesday night, causing many to wonder if he was actually intending to show up for the previous week's games. S. Maguire hung a gnarly one, displaying improved skills and giving Skipper McHale reason to consider moving him up in the lineup. However, if the Pirates fielded a lineup based on on-field performance, they would have folded three seasons ago for lack of players, so don't expect any changes in the order, unless of course S. Maguire slides Skipper an 18-pack of Coors Light prior to next week's matchup v. Imogene.
Sources have reported that chief dork H. Swartz of the once-mighty Porn Stars has told BOSL officials that his pack of obnoxious whiners has decided not to play beyond the current season. Apparently the Bomber has refused to show back up at the field after being hosed repeatedly by Pirate LF K. Sharp, and the entire team's confidence has been mortally wounded after being defeated by the Pirates earlier this season and then coughing up an 11-run, last inning lead Wednesday night against the Whale Tails.
Infirmary Report
K. Guidry - may miss next week after selling his soul to Lucifer in return for a multi-hundred dollar settlement against a nursing home.
C. Stanich - day-to-day with multiple lacerations and crushed pride
S. Maguire - may miss next week if he cannot locate his keys which were lost late last evening amongst his facial hair
C. Castille - still suffering from the after-effects of a panic attack which resulted from teammate O'Rourke's vicious verbal assault - will also need a new pair of game shorts
Skipper McHale - wrenched a "muscle" in his back reaching awkwardly for his 17th Coors Light
October 12, 2005
Front Office News
In a not-so-private conference between ace pitcher J. Pawlik and GM Skipper McHale following last night's debacle, Pawlik was overheard making several intense demands related to his impending free agency. In a Rocket-esque move, Pawlik reportedly told Pirates' brass that he considered catcher S. Townsend 'part of the package', such that if Townsend's contract was not renewed at the end of the current season, Pawlik would permanently sever ties with the Pirates. This clearly puts heat on the Pirates front office, who have understandably and unsucessfully been shopping Townsend to every softball team and soup kitchen east of the Brazos. Of course if Pawlik continues to get lit up like a one-hitter at a Black Crowes concert as he did against the Whale Tails, his ability to make such bold 'demands' will greatly diminish, as he could then be simply replaced with a $9.99 tee from Academy.
Understandably pleased with the debut of LF K. Sharp and fearful that he will begin to feel isolated as a result of the ominous talent divide between himself and his teammates, Pirates officials have apparently begun negotiating with Sharp's agents on a long-term contract extension with the team. Financial details are scarce at this time, but one of the incentives reportedly involves a substantial bonus for Sharp's management of the BOSL grounds crew.
Contrarily, 1B K. Guidry's absence has been deemed 'unexcused' by Pirates' management. Word is that Skipper is considering severe punishment in response to Guidry's holdout.
Rumor Central
There is considerable grumbling coming from the Captain's Quarters as well as from below deck, where the Pirates players reside. Several Pirates players were heard complaining late last night that the positive vibes which emerged following the previous week's upset win over the Porn Stars were swept away with the sooner-than-expected return of Skipper McHale. McHale's supporters, consisting of his parents and his second-grade teacher, argue that he encountered a stacked deck last night due to the absence of several of his players. Regardless, there were some players seen on their knees praying for the Skip to fall on his own sword following the demoralizing sweep.
In a related story, the Pirates have announced that they are allowing last week's interim manager S. Townsend to speak with other teams about their managerial vacancies. A front office source with the Pirates said that the decision was a no-brainer, since "no other team has ever approached Townsend about leading their club."
From the Captain's Quarters, The Booty is hearing that every roster spot and every position is being re-evaluated. As the long list of ex-Pirates can personally attest, not every man is cut out for Piratehood. Look for drastic roster changes in the coming weeks if the Pirates do not improve their play heading into the postseason. GM McHale relentlessly points to the offseason acquisition of LF K. Sharp when questioned about his scouting skills, but critics point to the other dozen or so lackluster names on the Pirates' roster as proof that McHale would not know talent if it smeared itself all over his Rec Specs.
There are reports that Pirate RF/2B N. Maguire is looking to capitalize on his successful debut in the leadoff spot by locking up an incentive-laden endorsement deal with Keds. Sources say that the international shoe manufacturer has agreed to supply Maguire with an endless supply of their snow-white sneakers if he will agree to don a pair of them for each of his strolls to first base after successfully nursing a free pass from the opposing pitcher.
Infirmary Report
3B B. Moore is currently sidelined with a jammed left ankle. Despite vigorously attacking his pain with over and under the counter painkillers, Moore was unable to play in Wednesday night's double-header. He is expected to return for next week's date with Imogene.
DH/1B H. Landers twisted an ankle rather severely on Monday night flying through first base. The slippery basepaths definitely played a role in the injury, as Landers, ever the non-conformist, continues to be one of the handful of players in the BOSL who refuse to purchase a pair of cheap cleats.
GM Skipper McHale threatened to attempt a comeback from his gruesome knee injury last night. Fortunately for us all, the sloppy field conditions kept McHale on the bench, relegated to his usual chores of binge drinking and publicly humiliating his players.
C/DH B. Murillo is scheduled for an MRI this afternoon after management expressed concern that he may be hiding a shoulder or elbow injury. Trainers became concerned after Murillo short-hopped the pitcher on about three dozen throws back to the mound. Murillo's agent claims that his client is perfectly healthy and that a wet ball and his client's concern about the well-being of his broken-down car played a substantial role in the throwing issue.
IF J. Vandenberg has reported an inability to move his neck or legs. He is day-to-day.
Front Office News
Management was apparently not impressed with C. Castille's "T.O." impersonation upon being asked to move out of LCF on Wednesday night. It's going to take a whole heckuva lot more than Drew Rosenhaus to get C. Castille out from under this mess, as Pirates front office personnel have off-the-record guaranteed that Castille will never play LF or LCF again. Reportedly management had been looking for any reason to get Castille's noodle arm out of the OF, and thanks to his most recent theatrics, they have more than sufficient justification to make the move.
In another display of completely unsportsmanlike conduct, M. Thomas severely hacked off Skipper McHale by talking trash to him from first base during Wednesday night's scrimmage. Thomas, who had ironically just been handed to the Pirates' opponents for the evening, looped a lazy single to left field, and upon reaching first base, let loose with a verbal assault from across the diamond onto his venerable manager. When asked how he planned to handle the situation, McHale replied, "Like most other player/manager situations. I drink heavily and completely ignore everything they say."
B. Murillo made his first appearance since the infamous "Five Seconds Game", hit the ball hard, and then refused to return to the Pirates' dugout when beckoned by Skipper McHale. When asked if he was concerned that Murillo may feel that he was unfairly blamed for the loss in the "Five Seconds Game" and may still be holding a grudge against Skipper, McHale responded first with hysterical laughter, then fell out his chair laughing, then he chugged a room temperature Coors Light and finally righted himself upon his stool and resumed laughing hysterically.
Rumor Central
Apparently there is substantial truth to the rumor that new Wrangler's newest pin-up boy, Pirate P J. Pawlik, will be signing softballs and shin guards at Cavender's Boot City on Westheimer Saturday between 2 and 4 p.m.
U.S. Coast Guard officials report finding S. Maguire's cleats and a tuft of his hair on an uninhabited island 55 miles off the coast of Galveston. Judging from the markings on the coast, it appears that S. Maguire was enjoying a radical surfing jaunt when he unexpectedly hit the coast, whereupon he apparently made a headlong dive onto land and has not been seen since.
NASA personnel were in Pirates offices this afternoon to obtain confirmation that the objects appearing scattered across their radar screens on Wednesday night were not U.F.O.'s, but were SS S. Knoblauch, errrrr, Townsend's throws to first base.
1B/P K. Guidry, who pitched rather impressively on Wednesday night, may be dangled as trade bait in the offseason. Management is hesitant to deal Guidry not because he's a valuable talent, but for fear that he will tie up Pirates front office personnel with vengeful, frivolous litigation for years to come should he be moved against his wishes. Guidry, of "batting Guidry" fame, has been dubbed "Bruntlett" by his teammates due to his recent rash of one at-bat appearances.
Infirmary Report
J. Vandenberg - day-to-day with torn muscles in his back as a direct result of three massive swings-and-misses
K. Guidry - expected to miss six-to-eight-months with a broken leg after taking a batted ball to the shin
T. McHale - contusion on his well-cushioned arse after slipping and falling due to his newly purchased steel spikes
M. Thomas - strained larynx from excessively flaunting his own self-worth
L. Ward - slight case of melanoma as the result of an overdose on self-tanning lotion
L. Ward - red-stained teeth from too many tastes of Merlot
November 2, 2005
Front Office News
Negotiations have begun regarding a contract extension for RCF B. O'Rourke. There are several variables at play, including managment's insistence that O'Rourke agree to ingest a powerful cocktail of South American quaaludes on gamedays, O'Rourke's insistence that any teammate questioning his on-field performance be fed to a pack of starving wolves one limb at a time and HBO Sports' demand that O'Rourke be 'miked up' nightly next season as part of their new documentary, "Rage and Sports - It's Not Just for the Pros Anymore."
Pirates' management apparently feels that SS J. Koy thumbed his nose at the organization by choosing to participate in a flag-football game rather than the Pirates' crucial doubleheader on Wednesday night. The Pirates feel that they have already made enough exceptions for Koy, as he is already the only Pirate (prior to the arrival of "The Franchise") who would even contemplate participating in physical activities other than rec-league softball, a characteristic that caused some Pirates' brass to hesitate signing Koy in the first-place because of the negative street cred that having a true 'athlete' on the team could cause.
The painful gymnastics routines performed by 2B Vandenberg and Maguire in recent days have sent Pirates management in search of an import. Allegedly the club is close to agreeing on a deal with Miggy Tejada's six-year old niece in Santo Domingo.
Based on the recent rash of questionable "excused" absences posed by its roster, the Pirates have made a formal Open Records Act request of the Commonwealth of Kentucky, hoping to determine whether S. Townsend's absence, blamed on "his wife's birthday", is anything more than another Guidry-esque ruse. Mrs. Townsend is said to not be amused.
Rumor Central
Starting catcher S. Townsend may have saved his marriage on Wednesday night by choosing to take his wife out to dinner for 'her birthday', but there's a chance that he lost his starting position in the process. His agent denied reports circulating that Townsend has demanded to be traded to any team other than Chaos. No comment yet from star pitcher J. Pawlik, who previously insisted that he and Townsend were a package deal similar to Clemens-Ausmus.
Pirates coaches are concerned about leadoff hitter N. Maguire's new obsession with swinging the bat. Ideas for motivating Maguire to refrain from swinging while at the plate reportedly include placing him in the "Guidry" spot in next week's batting order, forceful removal of the bat from Maguire's hands by muscle-bound security personnel upon his exit from the on-deck circle and the mounting around Maguire's neck of an electric shock collar designed to subtly remind him with 30,000 volts of electricity that his batting average is about one-third of his on-base percentage.
A second electric shock collar may be on order for RCF O'Rourke, who intentionally ignored his coaches' signals on Wednesday and continued to swing for the fences despite having a 3-1 count. It is doubtful that any of the measures being considered for Maguire will be used on O'Rourke because, quite frankly, everyone is scared to death of him.
The Pirates' own Sultan of the Surf crashed ashore at Optimist Park on Wednesday night, causing many to wonder if he was actually intending to show up for the previous week's games. S. Maguire hung a gnarly one, displaying improved skills and giving Skipper McHale reason to consider moving him up in the lineup. However, if the Pirates fielded a lineup based on on-field performance, they would have folded three seasons ago for lack of players, so don't expect any changes in the order, unless of course S. Maguire slides Skipper an 18-pack of Coors Light prior to next week's matchup v. Imogene.
Sources have reported that chief dork H. Swartz of the once-mighty Porn Stars has told BOSL officials that his pack of obnoxious whiners has decided not to play beyond the current season. Apparently the Bomber has refused to show back up at the field after being hosed repeatedly by Pirate LF K. Sharp, and the entire team's confidence has been mortally wounded after being defeated by the Pirates earlier this season and then coughing up an 11-run, last inning lead Wednesday night against the Whale Tails.
Infirmary Report
K. Guidry - may miss next week after selling his soul to Lucifer in return for a multi-hundred dollar settlement against a nursing home.
C. Stanich - day-to-day with multiple lacerations and crushed pride
S. Maguire - may miss next week if he cannot locate his keys which were lost late last evening amongst his facial hair
C. Castille - still suffering from the after-effects of a panic attack which resulted from teammate O'Rourke's vicious verbal assault - will also need a new pair of game shorts
Skipper McHale - wrenched a "muscle" in his back reaching awkwardly for his 17th Coors Light
October 12, 2005
Front Office News
In a not-so-private conference between ace pitcher J. Pawlik and GM Skipper McHale following last night's debacle, Pawlik was overheard making several intense demands related to his impending free agency. In a Rocket-esque move, Pawlik reportedly told Pirates' brass that he considered catcher S. Townsend 'part of the package', such that if Townsend's contract was not renewed at the end of the current season, Pawlik would permanently sever ties with the Pirates. This clearly puts heat on the Pirates front office, who have understandably and unsucessfully been shopping Townsend to every softball team and soup kitchen east of the Brazos. Of course if Pawlik continues to get lit up like a one-hitter at a Black Crowes concert as he did against the Whale Tails, his ability to make such bold 'demands' will greatly diminish, as he could then be simply replaced with a $9.99 tee from Academy.
Understandably pleased with the debut of LF K. Sharp and fearful that he will begin to feel isolated as a result of the ominous talent divide between himself and his teammates, Pirates officials have apparently begun negotiating with Sharp's agents on a long-term contract extension with the team. Financial details are scarce at this time, but one of the incentives reportedly involves a substantial bonus for Sharp's management of the BOSL grounds crew.
Contrarily, 1B K. Guidry's absence has been deemed 'unexcused' by Pirates' management. Word is that Skipper is considering severe punishment in response to Guidry's holdout.
Rumor Central
There is considerable grumbling coming from the Captain's Quarters as well as from below deck, where the Pirates players reside. Several Pirates players were heard complaining late last night that the positive vibes which emerged following the previous week's upset win over the Porn Stars were swept away with the sooner-than-expected return of Skipper McHale. McHale's supporters, consisting of his parents and his second-grade teacher, argue that he encountered a stacked deck last night due to the absence of several of his players. Regardless, there were some players seen on their knees praying for the Skip to fall on his own sword following the demoralizing sweep.
In a related story, the Pirates have announced that they are allowing last week's interim manager S. Townsend to speak with other teams about their managerial vacancies. A front office source with the Pirates said that the decision was a no-brainer, since "no other team has ever approached Townsend about leading their club."
From the Captain's Quarters, The Booty is hearing that every roster spot and every position is being re-evaluated. As the long list of ex-Pirates can personally attest, not every man is cut out for Piratehood. Look for drastic roster changes in the coming weeks if the Pirates do not improve their play heading into the postseason. GM McHale relentlessly points to the offseason acquisition of LF K. Sharp when questioned about his scouting skills, but critics point to the other dozen or so lackluster names on the Pirates' roster as proof that McHale would not know talent if it smeared itself all over his Rec Specs.
There are reports that Pirate RF/2B N. Maguire is looking to capitalize on his successful debut in the leadoff spot by locking up an incentive-laden endorsement deal with Keds. Sources say that the international shoe manufacturer has agreed to supply Maguire with an endless supply of their snow-white sneakers if he will agree to don a pair of them for each of his strolls to first base after successfully nursing a free pass from the opposing pitcher.
Infirmary Report
3B B. Moore is currently sidelined with a jammed left ankle. Despite vigorously attacking his pain with over and under the counter painkillers, Moore was unable to play in Wednesday night's double-header. He is expected to return for next week's date with Imogene.
DH/1B H. Landers twisted an ankle rather severely on Monday night flying through first base. The slippery basepaths definitely played a role in the injury, as Landers, ever the non-conformist, continues to be one of the handful of players in the BOSL who refuse to purchase a pair of cheap cleats.
GM Skipper McHale threatened to attempt a comeback from his gruesome knee injury last night. Fortunately for us all, the sloppy field conditions kept McHale on the bench, relegated to his usual chores of binge drinking and publicly humiliating his players.
C/DH B. Murillo is scheduled for an MRI this afternoon after management expressed concern that he may be hiding a shoulder or elbow injury. Trainers became concerned after Murillo short-hopped the pitcher on about three dozen throws back to the mound. Murillo's agent claims that his client is perfectly healthy and that a wet ball and his client's concern about the well-being of his broken-down car played a substantial role in the throwing issue.
IF J. Vandenberg has reported an inability to move his neck or legs. He is day-to-day.
posted by Scott at 9:38 AM
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