Skipper's Weekly Tirade for April 5, 2006While Wednesday's landmark victory was certainly cause for celebration, it's not cause for any relaxation of standards here at Angry Pirates HQ. Accountability for one's actions is still vital to the continued success (cough) of this fine organization. And by "accountability," I mean "public humiliation." I wouldn't be doing anyone (except the Pirates) any favors if I pretended that everything went swimmingly on Wednesday night just because the scoreboard indicates that the good guys won. Although the Pirates probably played a more complete game than we ever have, I'm not about to rest on my cyber-laurels. Plus, I just flat out enjoy humiliating my friends. Without further ado:
L. Ward--what more can be said about his WOTW-winning leadoff strikeout to open the game? How about this: It was the single most pathetic at-bat in team history. And as everyone who reads this space knows, Angry Pirates history is littered with a slew of pathetic at-bats. But no one has ever looked so overmatched and ill-prepared to begin a game as Ward did on Wednesday nights. Sure, he rebounded nicely with a single and a triple, but who's going to remember that? It's the single incident of failure that will live on in the hearts and minds of this team. In the interest of full disclosure, my ire may be slightly increased by the fact that I came very close to getting run over by Ben Johnson, errrrrrr, L. Ward, as he barreled around the basepaths screaming at my fat Irish arse to "RUUUUUUUUUN, YOU $%&^!!!" I'm seriously considering filing suit against Ward for intentional infliction of emotional distress. I honestly feared he was going to trample me, leaving only a spiked, orange-stained corpse for my parents to bury.
G. Sharp--with Koy's absence on Wednesday night, I made the bold move to slide The Original into the two hole. As his 1-4 performance shows, I really need to lay off the sauce. I'm pretty sure Koy's mother would have gone 2-4 in her son's spot. She'll get the call instead of The Original next time. That said, Sharp played a great game with the glove, squeezing all manner of line drives and flies in LF. So he wasn't a complete failure on Wednesday night. I'd probably only call him a 68% failure.
K. Sharp--another HR and another 3B for the Franchise. That's all fine and good, but he failed to record a hit in every at-bat. Not to throw stones or anything, but even I managed to reach base every time. What's the lesson in all of this? I think it's rather obvious. The torch has been passed. But I'm a sporting tyrant, so I'll gladly pass the torch back as soon as Franchise doinks another one off the water tower. Or if he threatens to quit. Either way, I'm not getting too attached to the torch.
J. Vandenberg--another two doubles for the Pirates' version of Patch Adams. Not because Vandenberg attempts to entertain terminally ill children like the delightful Robin Williams character in the movie of the same name, but because he has taken to adhering sterile strips to his elbows and knees before the game to discourage opening up any skin. Perhaps if Vandenberg embraced sliding, long sleeves, even or the O'Rourke signature baseball knickers instead of uncoordinated log rolling, he wouldn't have so many wounds all over his tender frame. Vandenberg played a stellar game at 1B except for the two balls that rolled right underneath his freaking glove that permitted the Snipers to continue their two-out rally in the fourth inning. It seemed obvious that he had been taking ground balls with the noted error machine next on this list.
S. Townsend--would have been POTW if not for his suspect glove at third. Tremendous game at the plate, as evidenced by the numbers and the most unlikely inside-the-park HR in the history of all sport. Seriously, I had time to drink three beers in the amount of time it took Townsend to lumber around the bases. No matter though; he got around safely and provided a huge boost to the team. Said boost was somewhat countered by his steadfast refusal to field any ground balls at third, but he gets the benefit of the doubt because of his performance with the aluminum. As someone who realizes how humiliating it can be to have the opposition adjust their stance just to hit balls directly at you, I will not point out the fact that the Snipers did just that to Townsend on Wednesday night. Crap; guess I just did. Oh well.
B. O'Rourke--a fine 2-3 at the plate and what I believe was his finest game in the field in several months. Unfortunately for Tuffy, people will only remember his steadfast refusal to stain his purty sliding pants by actually sliding into second base. We've reached a point where I'm fairly certain O'Rourke would refuse to slide even with a gun pointed at his head. I've spend the last few days wondering why he has such an aversion to sliding, and I think I've figured it out. As O'Rourke is firmly ensconced in middle age and rapidly approaching membership in AARP, he has to be concerned about the brittle nature of his bones. Thus, he eschews sliding in fear of breaking a hip. To remedy this, I will be starting a collection to buy him a Medic-Alert bracelet he can don before each at-bat. That way EMS can be on scene in short order if his fear ever materializes. In the meantime, I suppose the geriatric can keep on refusing to slide for medical reasons
M. Thomas--curiously only went 1-3 at the plate. For many Pirates, that's a Hall of Fame worthy performance. But Thomas generally hits better than that. To compound his relatively inept performance at the plate, he played a RF like I would. In other words, very badly. I blame his RCF, B. O'Rourke, who must have convinced Thomas to refuse to touch any portion of the ground, thus allowing several ground balls to creep under his glove in RF before rolling to the fence. That, combined with management's illogical decision to give the starting 3B nod to S. Townsend, probably doomed Thomas in Wednesday night's game. Will management realize its mistake and move Thomas back to 3B? Sources tell me it depends on how many frosty Coors Lights I, errrrrr, the management team has before the next game.
B. Moore--mirrored Thomas' 1-3 effort at the plate, which ain't that impressive. But Moore played a nearly impeccable game at SS, stopping several hard grounders and making a few diving stabs at liners into the gap. If memory serves, the Pirates even managed to turn a double play or two with Moore patrolling short. Not to question any particular Pirate's ability, but I don't remember the last time we did that when Franchise was at SS. Position controversy? Perhaps. Management just trying to stir the pot for the sake of infighting on the team? Probably.
C. Stanich--the Pirates may have found themselves a legitimate new starter. Stanich threw up two goose eggs to start the game, and followed one bad inning up with a clutch shutout inning to end the game. Further, the bad inning was more a result of fielding miscues than his pitching. If it sounds like I'm gushing, I suppose I am. The only negative I saw was that the man works faster than Roy O. I barely had time to get into the crouch before he was winging darts back at me. He may have been penalized for his rapid delivery by Big D, who squeezed Stanich like he was the last drop of a sour apple slurpee. Stanich also turned in a solid 2-3 at the plate, making him a solid contender for POTW, which ultimately went to the next man on the list.
N. Maguire--I rarely toss around the word "flawless" in this space, but Maguire's play on Wednesday night was almost flawless and certainly deserving of POTW. His steady glove at 2B has come to be expected, but he made some rather tough plays (by Pirates' standards; we're not talking Chase Utley here) at key times on Wednesday nights, particularly the game-ending snag deep in the hole at second. The surprising bonus came at the plate, where Maguire turned in a 3-3 night that included a huge triple. He was so good swinging the bat that I am considering giving him a permanent green light instead of insisting he simply work the count for walks. That feeling will probably pass once I sober up, but it says quite a bit about Maguire's performance that the thought of giving the swing-away instruction to someone who normally hits last in the line-up ever crossed my enfeebled mind.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade for March 22, 2006:
As everyone knows, the heart and soul of the Pirates made his stunning return to Feld Park this past Wednesday. Shaking off eleven (11) months of rust, The Skipper calmly stroked two singles to the gap (read: barely over the infielders' heads) to spark a twelve run frame. Of course, he also cost his team a shot at winning that very same game by weakly hacking at a pitch that would have been Ball Four and grounding out to short to end the game, but no matter. The Tirade always focuses on the positive. As in, I positively suck in the field, and got positively lucky at the plate. Although I'm tempted to announce my retirement on the strength of my current .667 batting average to ensure my spot in the Hall of Fame, I still burn to play the game that claimed my left knee so many months ago. That said, I am on the mend for another month; I won't be benching anyone in favor of myself just yet. Truth be told, if I ever bench anyone for myself, the GM (me) should immediately fire the manager (me) and blackball him from ever managing again. Without further ado, here is the briefest Tirade ever:
L. Ward--runs like a gazelle, as his inside-the-park HR in the first game attested. A gazelle that has no clue where it is going, how to get there, and was probably dropped on its head many, many times as an infant. Definite highlight of my evening was watching him completely and totally lose his mind in the second inning of Game Two. Said meltdown featured him screaming profanities at himself and lots of awkward twitching on the mound. He may have been having a seizure, but I was laughing too hard to care. I joke all the time about pulling people out in mid-inning, but Ward was the first to ever actually force me to do it. He (or one of the Tourette's-stricken schizophrenic personalities he exhibited) walked in four (4) runs before I hit the eject button. Seriously, I haven't heard Ward curse like that since he found out Darque Tan ran out of exfoliation cream.
J. Koy--has begun to sound like the adults in those Charlie Brown cartoons with his constant complaints to the umpire. Wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah. Typically stellar game with the bat and glove. His excellence bores me.
J. Vandenberg--Worst. Sliding. Ever. In fact, it's unfair to even call what he does "sliding." It's actually more akin to a pig rolling around in mud. Most people slide feet first or head first into the bag. Not Vandenberg. He prefers to immediately fall on his side and log roll to the bag. In sum, it's pretty much what how I think I would try to put myself out if I ever caught on fire. It's painful to watch.
K. Sharp--should be lifting weights more often to ensure continued doinks off the water tower. I know a guy who knows a guy who has an aunt who can get you some killer supplements, Franchise. If you don't start going yard more often, I'll have your brother hold you down while I inject you with a syringe full of Deca. Then I'll hold you down while your brother beats you with pieces of soap in socks, a la "Full Metal Jacket." Not because you did anything wrong, but just because I think he'd do it if given the opportunity.
G. Sharp--underrated with the bat and overrated in the field. Whenever I see a shot headed in his general direction, I play a little game I like to call "Chug-a-Lug." If he misses the ball entirely, I pound my beer. If he simply misplays it and it rolls to the fence, I pound two beers. If he catches the ball, I pound one beer. For the record, I had eleven (11) beers in the dugout due to The Original's fielding. My liver thanks him.
B. O'Rourke--as he's reminded me on several occasions, he went 4-5 at the plate. The power isn't really there, but I blame the cycling off for that. Nevertheless, he did have a nice game except for his Castillian refusal to dirty his pretty lil' britches by actually sliding. The man wears sliding pants to the games, for chrissakes. You'd think he'd agree to get some sort of residue (aside from the blood of those who "talk [feces] with their eyes") on them. That said, I'd rather see O'Rourke refuse to slide than have to witness another Vandenberg roll in the mud.
M. Thomas--can't say enough about his trusty glove at the hot corner. He became the first Pirate in history to ever retire the order by himself. Had I left myself out there to die on the vine at 3B, I feel confident in saying that the opposition would still be aiming at me a week later. It's always a pleasant feeling to know that you're the weakest of the weak links in the field. Now I can truly say that I've walked a mile in Townsend's shoes. Lord knows that I certainly run like him.
N. Maguire--I really don't remember much about his effort, so that's probably a good thing. No horrendous throws to people that weren't there, and I seem to recall a timely adjustment of the hat and/or crotch that led to a key walk. The man is a machine of timely scratching and shuffling.
B. Murillo--as Vandenberg's recap so eloquently attests, Murillo hits better than I do. Unlike my peetering shots that can be easily grabbed by anyone over 5'9", he actually hits true singles to the gap. Granted, he fields like he has no arms from the elbows down, but he's better than me in that department too. Come to think of it, why do I even play softball? Oh, that's right. I love teaching the game to the kids. And the beer. I also like the beer.
As I've spent considerable time and cyberspace ripping everyone on this team over the past several months, I decided that fairness dictates I be ripped in turn each time I play. As such, we will rotate the portion of the Tirade critiquing my play each week among the team. Here with the maiden honors is everyone's favorite orange-skinned DH, L. Ward:
First of all, I want to express sincere thanks to Skipper McHale for providing a public forum for me to air my thoughts on his play Wednesday evening. With that having been said, to describe Tim's performance at third as uninspired would be an understatement, to call it an embarrassment to his family would be stating the obvious, his performance was nothing short of a coat-hanger. Watching Tim blindly shuffle toward grounders I was tempted to throw him a walker, a seeing eye dog, and a bag of meth I received in my New Believer's class at Lakewood (don't ask).
However, before you could say Miata-ta-ta-ta (feel free to substitute any Japanese automobile of your choosing I've dated them all) ,the former lady Vols coach had yanked himself from the game sparing himself any further humiliation, tapping the only Pirate with an expense account at High Times as his replacement. Fortunately, enforcement along the Mexican border has stiffened in recent weeks, enabling Matt Thomas to turn in the finest performance of his nascent Pirate career.
I would be remiss if I failed to mention Tim's respectable performance at the plate, in which he managed to collect a couple of singles along the way dispelling rumors that the long layoff had sapped the potency from his bat. I'm glad to know that Tim can still swing it in more ways than one.
(Interim) Skipper's Weekly Tirade for March 15, 2006:
I thought to start the game with some beers.
Keep these idiots from being antsy.
How did I know that there would be no cheers?
You all played like Nancys.
The whispers behind my back,
Kept you in random positions.
Most of you look like hacks,
Maybe you should have stayed in the Kitchen.
You all had the chance to prove your worth,
I tested the best in different places.
Mom should have killed you at birth,
To save the world from your ugly faces.
Softball players this team will never be,
I hope to never again coach such misery.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade for March 8, 2006:
Welcome back to the Tirade. The Angry Pirates were on a brief hiatus between seasons, but we returned to action on Wednesday night. Although the weather might have changed, the Pirates haven't. We still suck. In fact, a great argument can be made that we've actually regressed and now suck worse than ever before. You would think that nearly a year of experience would make the team better, but the Pirates defy conventional wisdom. In short, we had the single worst inning any baseball, softball, cricket, and/or horseshoes team ever had in the history of mankind. After going up 3-0, we went down 4-3, then tied it 4-4. Pretty decent, right? That's what I thought until Speaker City's next chance with the bats saw them lace us for SIXTEEN (16) RUNS. I honestly thought someone had slipped PCP into my beer as I looked at the scoreboard. That's right--we went from a tie game of 4-4 to trailing 20-4, all within a half-inning. Purely by coincidence, I also set a personal best for "angry drinking" during that time. I was a man stranded in a desert of failure, and Coors Light was my oasis. The Pirates battled back to cut it to a count of 20-13 before eventually falling 22-14. While I was impressed with the "never say die" attitude of the team, the repeated gaffes merely poured gasoline on the fire that is the Tirade. Without further ado, public humiliation...
L. Ward--I don't think there's any doubt that the Pirates' own Richard Simmons may well be the most improved player in the history of the organization. While watching him with a glove is more terrifying than having the middle seat between Rosie O'Donnell and a chocolate cake on a Southwest flight, his speed and bat make him a dangerous lead-off man. If he ever takes time to sit down and read the rules of the game, Ward could be an All-Star DH, possibly even improving upon the double and triple he stroked this past week. Instead, I'm sure he'll allot that time to gulping Long Island Iced Teas, making questionable wagers, and even more questionable moral decisions.
J. Koy--very strong day at the plate, going 2-3 with two doubles on the night. I really don't remember anything horrific about his play in the field, so that's a positive. Check that--I do remember him screaming at the umpire from the outfield. But a Pirates game without Koy screaming at the umpire about a perceived slight would be like Mama Cass passing up that ham sandwich. It just ain't gonna happen.
J. Vandenberg--that stats say he went 2-3, but I don't remember him hitting that well. Indeed, Ward was charting the ABs, and the fact that he has no clue what "AB" stands for casts further doubt on Vandenberg's line. Then again, I was consumed by rage and Coors Light after the second inning, so it's entirely possible that he did go 2-3. I guess what I'm really saying is, I have a drinking problem and Ward is a terrible statistician.
K. Sharp--switching to the clean-up spot, Franchise had the most memorable HR in franchise history when he rocked a shot to dead center that caromed off the water tower. I'm not good with numbers, but I believe that the ball traveled 1,384 feet. It was sort of like the last scene of "The Natural" when the lights blow out and sparks are raining down on the field. Except that the lights at Feld Park did not blow out and thus no sparks rained down on the field. Oh, and I was inebriated. Wait, I was drunk when I saw "The Natural" too, so I guess that's a wash. Personally, I think Franchise was just showing off for a lady friend in the audience. As such, management will provide her with season tickets for as long as her boy keeps doinking softballs off the moon. First time he goes without a HR, however, the tickets are yanked and she'll have to get in free like everyone else.
S. Townsend--made a triumphant return to the mound on Wednesday night and did a great job battling through adversity. Lesser gladiators would have begun weeping, run off the field, and driven into a median after giving up SIXTEEN (16) RUNS in an inning. Enough with the pleasantries. If there is a polar opposite of a perfect game, Townsend pitched it on Wednesday night. I'd be giving it short-shrift if I merely labeled it "an imperfect game." That would be like saying the Titanic brushed against a little bit of ice. I will readily admit that the wind made it tough to pitch, but I figure that's only a good excuse for the first eight walks. The next nine walks were just the result of an apparently wrathful God. It's not often you see someone walk in a run in slow-pitch softball, so when Townsend did it a couple of times, it was a real treat for kids of all ages. It also contributed to me trying to fashion a crude cutting instrument out of an empty beer can, in the hopes that I could cut my tongue out and hopefully bleed to death rather than watch any more of his "pitching." Needless to say, I think it's safe to say everyone had fun watching Townsend commit hari-kari on the mound. I believe a machete to the abdomen would have been less painful for all involved.
At the plate, he provided good protection for the Franchise and added a triple of his own. Watching him hustle around the bases was inspiring, but probably even more fun for him than his legions of adoring fan (lack of plural intentional). For you see, adoring public, Townsend has confided to his wife that he feels like he's "flying" when he's on the basepaths. If by "flying" he means "running as if he is dragging a broken leg," I would agree with that observation. As hilarious as Townsend's assessment of his speed is, I think it's even funnier that his wife would choose to disclose that fact to me knowing full well it would end up on the Tirade. Thus, I have to credit E. Townsend as co-author on this piece. Kudos to her.
B. O'Rourke--if not for Townsend's tank job on the mound, he would be your Ward of the Week. Abominable job in the field, pulling up short on several shots to LF. I think most of that was just the result of shaking the rust off after a long layoff, but allow me to state that it must have been a veritable crapload of rust. At the plate, O'Rourke went a mere 1-3 with a couple of hard shots to the outfield that were caught without much effort. While coaching first base after one of those outs, I offered the fist pound in sympathy and was greeted with a return shot so hard that I believe a couple of my knuckles are broken. Though distracted by the searing pain of being an outlet for O'Rourke's legendary rage (normally it's puppies or mute children), I was still able to hear him return to the dugout and engage in a "spontaneous rearrangement" of the cooler, bats, etc. For society's sake, I hope that he returns to form soon. Because if there's a sudden string of deaths among the puppy or mute children populations, I'm pretty sure we'll know who's responsible.
C. Castille--in his first game at catcher, he played an inspired game behind the plate and almost even had a play at the plate. A subpar game with the bat, going 0-2 with a walk. If I didn't know better, I would think Speaker City had watched tape of him, as their RFer was literally camped down the first base line every time Castille stepped up. One of these days, I'll start watching film of our opponents too. That day will be the same day a team of Playmates joins the league. At that point, I'll be the Peyton Manning of BOSL, minus the nose that looks like it got smashed with a brick.
G. Sharp--the Original had a dynamite game at the plate, going 2-3 with a double and a triple. In fact, I'd argue that he was POTW material, but frankly, he hasn't made the leaps and bounds that Ward has made. That's probably due to the fact that Sharp started out with a greater level of skill and knowledge (read: played Little League and has watched an entire baseball game without downing 7 Long Islands first) than Ward, but I digress. I could throw out the obligatory "your brother is still better than you" crack here, but I won't. As it is, I think we're about one more bad Saturday night at the bars away from the Sharp brothers starring in "Single White Female II: Brotherly Love."
B. Moore--a quiet 1-2 with a SF at the plate and steady play in the field for the squad's popular utilityman. Moore is just like vanilla ice cream--always good, never spectacular, and best when covered in beer. Plus, you can put vanilla ice cream anywhere on the field and know that vanilla ice cream's steady glove will always help the team out. I wish vanilla ice cream got on base a little more, but the positives always outweigh the negatives regardless. I think I'm going to go get a sundae.
M. Thomas--nice work at the plate, going 2-3 with a couple of his patented singles to the gap. Thomas is quickly becoming one of the Pirates' more reliable hitters. His play at 3B was decent; he stopped a couple of darts but didn't make the throws. As I'm not crazy enough to ask my infielders to actually "throw anyone out" or "make any plays," his glove at 3B was sufficient by Angry Pirates standards. Then again, if you're playing to Angry Pirates standards, it's just a nice way of saying you're mediocre on your best night and putrid most other times. Quite a culture of success we've got going on here.
N. Maguire--as usual, the stats don't tell the story of Maguire's contribution. He went 0-1 with a walk and did a great job confusing the opposing pitcher by adjusting all manner of stance, clothing, and gear while in the box. The flip side to that sort of savvy craftsmanship at the plate was his performance in the field. While normally a heady glove at 2B, he made what can only be considered the worst decision in franchise history since Ward drank an entire box of wine. After Maguire and Vandenberg seemingly caught one of the opposition in a rundown between first and second sometime in the frame that saw us cough up SIXTEEN (16) RUNS, Maguire became concerned the runner on third might run home. So what does he do? He wings it to LF, thus allowing the runner to safely score and the other runner to advance to second. Textbook play, right down to getting no one out and causing me to contemplate overdosing on some of O'Rourke's lithium. I make a lot of jokes about Knoblauchian throws, but this goes beyond that. Unless Knoblauch suddenly went blind, spun in a circle eight times and randomly winged the ball toward what he thought was the worst place possible. Then Maguire's throw would be Knoblauchian, I guess.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade for December 28, 2005
Fresh off the first doubleheader sweep in franchise history, I fully expected us to get absolutely waxed by the resident Goliaths of the league. Surely, I thought, Whale Tails and the Pikes would restore order to the softball universe by reminding the Angry Pirates why the franchise has never won more than five games in a season. Happily, I was wrong. We jumped out to an early lead on Whale Tails and never looked back, giving the defending champs their first embarrassing introduction to being on the short end of the sword. Giddy after such a monumental win, I figured we'd suffer a letdown against the Pikes. While we entered the last frame down 15-9, the Pirates staged a furious comeback and nearly sent the game into extra innings before remembering that hey, we're the Angry Pirates--we all have enormously demanding and lucrative jobs that require us to get a good night's sleep. We can't be out late messing around with extra frames. Although we capitulated by a run, I have to say that I'm rather pleased with the progress the team has made. Not so long ago, we were the laughingstock of the softball world. Everyone still laughs at us, but I think that's attributed to our societally-unacceptable drinking rates rather than our play. Now that I've lead with praise, it's time to close with mockery.
N. Maguire--as the Recap attests, absolutely dynamite play at second base. Made some tremendous stops and throws that I never thought he could make. Of course, there was an errant throw or two, but nothing too Knoblauchian. Despite the good glove, the 1-4 effort at the plate won't cut it. Maguire is well aware of why he hits leadoff, and it ain't to hit. Two walks and one hit in two games does not represent the Bondsesque hitter's eye the Pirates demand. It's like he's Adam Everett, but without the speed. On the plus side, unlike his brother, he didn't shame the family name by striking out. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.
J. Koy--monster game that featured a HUGE homerun (inside the park, of course, as the Fascists, errrrrrrr, Optimists have banned home runs that leave the confines of Feld Park) in the top of the first against the Pikes. Great arm in LF, as well as a positively Edmondsian "watch me make this routine play look far more difficult than it really is by falling down" catch. Koy made one inexplicable error in the top of the first against Whale Tails when a ball went right under his glove, but no one will remember that because of his generally stellar play. Based on his POTW award, you might think I have no real criticism of Koy. And you'd be wrong.
Look, the Pirates got absolutely screwed on an abnormally high number of calls on Wednesday. Everyone knows it. But refusing to move on after the blown calls makes no sense. Case in Point: The ump botched a clear call at first that should have been the second out of the inning. Sucks, but such is life. Not for Koy, who spent the remainder of the game shrieking at Derrick like he (Koy) was an autistic seven year old and a plane was passing overhead. My favorite part was Koy's persistent refusal to acknowledge the fact that the runner was ruled safe, which was reflected in Koy loudly crying "Three outs! Wait, Derrick blew the calls so there's only two!" We get it. Derrick missed some calls. Crying like you just found out Mark's ran out of pheasant ain't gonna change anything except the amount of space you get in the Tirade.
K. Sharp--made me question whether there truly is a God with his play in the field. The Franchise played SS as if his hands had been cut off in a meat-packing accident earlier in the day. He missed balls that were low. He missed balls that were high. He did not discriminate in what was easily his worst night in the field as a Pirate. If I had to compare the indescribable feeling of watching The Franchise misplay ball after ball to something more literal, I think it would be like meeting Jesus, only to have him spit on you. That's how horrible I felt watching Sharp boot his way through the night. 5-5 at the plate with a double, triple, and HR? Great job. Five errors at SS? Why have you forsaken me, Lord?
B. O'Rourke--the stats say he went three for six. That's amazing, because I remember his hitting as far worse than that. I guess we're giving him credit for hits when the opposing team commits an error out of fear that he'll burn our homes down. O'Rourke, did, however, provide the team with a couple of his patented hissy fits (one in the dugout after a weak fly out, complete with fence and bench kicking, and another on the field, complete with incomprehensible profanity and spiked bat, after a weak grounder to SS). Thankfully, Castille kept his mouth shut this time in the wake of O'Rourke's tirade, as I'm fairly sure that O'Rourke would have ripped his leg off and beaten him to death with it. I'm really feeling bad (and terrified) about not getting O'Rourke that lithium and Quaalude stocking stuffer for Christmas.
S. Townsend--in his triumphant return from the IR, Townsend hit a respectable 4-6 with a couple of long shots to the OF that saw him flash the glacial wheels for which he has become famous. I don't remember him getting to any balls at third base, but I'm going to focus on the positive of that--he didn't blow any grounders either. Check that--there was one pathetic infield fly that bounced about two feet in front of him. Watching the play unfold, as well as the continuous blank stare on Townsend's face as he watched the trajectory of the ball, was a real treat. And by "treat," I mean "equivalent to having a stroke in the dugout." I'm fairly certain a third grader with no legs and/or baseball skills would have made the catch by shutting his eyes and sticking his glove out. But a twenty-eight year old with full use of his extremities? No way.
J. Vandenberg--just an absolute gem of a game at 1B. It's amazing to see what someone who can actually catch routine throws from second and short does for the team. 3-6 at the plate with a big double as well. Despite his unforgettable K a few weeks ago, Vandenberg has really moved up the Pirate food chain with his timely hitting and slick fielding. I've almost forgotten that awful strikeout enough to have full confidence in him. Almost.
C. Castille--after what can only be described as the worst game anyone has ever played in any sport throughout the fabric of time last week, Castille managed not to make me stroke out this week. Kudos to him. He went 3 for 6 at the plate with a couple of nice shots to the gap. I have noticed that the ball makes a mysterious "popping" sound when it comes off his bat. Not a sharp popping sound; more like someone uncorked a bottle of wine. I'm not implying Castille is corking his aluminum, because his hits only travel about forty feet from the plate, but it really is interesting. My explanation? Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I think L. Ward was hiding in the bushes of Optimist Field last week, embarrassed to show himself because of an overdose of tanning oil that rendered his skin a strange hue of fuchsia, and by pure coincidence opened a new bottle of Frascati each time Castille made contact with a pitch, thus producing the odd popping sound.
J. Pawlik--two tremendous games on the mound, the last of which was against his Sunday-Monday-Tuesday-Thursday-Friday-Saturday team, the Pikes. I thought we might have a problem when I saw him donning his new Pike jersey in between games, but my not-so-veiled threat of immediate expulsion from Pirates did the trick. He hit a huge triple and proved to be a calming clubhouse presence in the aftermath of the second game. Pawlik focused on the bright side of things ("We beat the defending champs"), while I tend to focus on the negative ("Koy needs diapers and a pacifier"). His steadying focus is invaluable to the team. But he'll be made to walk the plank if I see him wearing anything but the yellow and white on Wednesday nights.
S. Maguire--made a couple of nice plays in the OF and went 3-5 with a double at the plate. I know everyone thinks I'm going to focus on the strikeout, but I'm not. It's not Sweetwhiffer's fault that he swung twice and missed pitches that were traveling approximately four miles an hour. Those heaters were really coming at him. I'm just glad he didn't throw his back out with his repeated futile twists after failing to make contact. He could be in traction right now with the way his body contorted after completely misjudging the trajectory of the lasers being fired from the hill. There but for the grace of God goes Sweetwater.
M. Thomas--strong 3-4 at the plate with a big double. He was our most flexible Pirate, playing C, 2B, and 3B in both games. After struggling with his stroke last week, Thomas has rediscovered the swing that makes him a true threat in the line-up. Along with K. Sharp (or at least the person that used to be K. Sharp), he's probably our only hitter that can go to the opposite field. Whether that's a reflection of his considerable skill or pure luck from throwing down 14 Coors Lights before every at bat, I don't know. I just know I like the results.
G. Sharp--that's right, folks. The Franchise's older brother is now officially an Angry Pirate. I shall call him "The Original." In much the same vein as women who routinely assert that The Original is half the man The Franchise is, G. Sharp had roughly half the game K. Sharp had, going 2-4 (not a bad debut) and committing two errors in the field (not good, but positively Gold Glove next to his brother's tragic play). I look forward to watching this sibling rivalry play out. Hopefully, it will be more beneficial than that of the Brothers Maguire. The latest chapter of that novel saw the younger move to Clear Lake, grow a beard of pubes, and strike out swinging. You know, just like the plot of "Little Women."
H. Landers--didn't take the field, so I have nothing but praise for him in that regard. Landers was ticked off he hit last in the line-up, arguing that his absence for the past few weeks shouldn't negatively affect his spot in the order. Point taken. His slot in the batting order will be wholly determined by his numbers, which suck. He went 2-3 with a SF, and one of those two hits was a routine grounder to SS that he somehow beat out. Landers' chief contribution was his hysterical screaming at the umpire after every call, regardless of the merits of his argument or the call. The half-inning I spent with him and Koy in the dugout was about as enjoyable a prostate exam, and contained roughly the same amount of yelping and references to having something stuck up one's arse. But a hearty thanks to Landers for keeping the stats, for without those this Tirade would be a full 25% less enjoyable to write.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade for November 16, 2005 (Postseason Edition)
Last night's game was an unmitigated disaster. I cannot fathom any way that the Angry Pirates could have possibly played any worse than we did. In retrospect, I have no idea how we ever won four games. We came into the game a prohibitive favorite, playing the last-place team in the league in what should have been the first stop on the way to Titletown. When the dust cleared, we had been embarrassed by a count of 23-13. With the way we played, I do not believe that we would have been able to beat a teeball team comprised entirely of blind five year old girls. I am certain said ocularly-challenged little girls would have hung fifteen runs on us by virtue of our complete inability to play anything resembling adequate defense.
It was so bad that I briefly considered inserting Fancy Boy, who was approximately halfway through a five liter box of Franzia as we entered the final inning, into the game at shortstop or third base. His inability to throw would have actually been a bonus, and his stumbling around the field couldn't have put him in any worse position to stop the grounders that routinely found their way through the left side of the infield. Hell, he probably would have stopped one or two more with his shoe and/or face than our regular infielders did with their gloves.
The breakdowns all over the field were so numerous and egregious that this site does not have enough bandwidth for me to accurately document them. I could easily have spent fifteen hours in front of a keyboard ranting and raving about the team's failings. Such a venomous indictment would have ripped the dainty psyche of this team to shreds. What were the alternatives, I wondered? In the absence of dedicating an entire day to reminding the team how much they sucked and subsequently having everyone seek therapy, what could I do? I needed a vehicle to express my disgust in last night's horrific performance, but I also needed to limit the wounds I could inflict. Therefore, I have decided to conduct this Tirade in a form of ancient Japanese poetry for the sake of all involved. For the uninitiated, a haiku is comprised of three lines of five, seven, and five syllables respectively. Thus, I give you Tirade in Haiku...
N. Maguire
Not terrible glove
Connected at plate--surprise!
I do not hate him.
J. Koy
Jeter he is not
Errors at short AND bad bat.
Worst game as Pirate.
K. Sharp
Nothing new for him.
Team wasted his skills again
Frustrated at world.
B. O'Rourke
Gave me Tourette's--why?
Refusal to charge fly ball
Ruins strong at-bats.
S. Townsend
Great cuts--a triple?
True. Dog had his day last night.
No first base again.
B. Moore
Nice plays at second;
Enough to make me forget
Lack of hits? No way.
C. Castille
Baserunning blunder
Finally charged fly ball
Hurrah? No--move left.
J. Pawlik
Find strike zone Ankiel
Eleven runs in one frame!
Fans want Guidry now.
B. Murillo
Good bat at outset
Infield pops after one hit
Guess he got tired.
M. Thomas
Two for two at plate
Now may be a real hitter?
Glove questions remain.
C. Stanich
Double, then fly out
Progress at plate clear to me.
Wear jorts from now on.
J. Vandenberg
Whistling sound at third?
Just ball going under glove.
Sac fly was highlight.
L. Ward
M-V-P last night
Franzia antics priceless.
Reinstated now.
I will hand out final season grades in a bonus "Holiday Tirade" next week. That promises to be a caustic affair.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade for November 9, 2005
Many people might think that a forfeit victory would cause me to call of the dogs for the week. Those people obviously don't read the Tirade. While the cheap win allowed the Pirates to finish at a respectable .500 for the season and solidly ensconced in third place, I'm not satisfied and my bloodlust is not sated. Two innings of lackadaisical scrimmaging may not provide me the insight I usually get from watching the squad flail around aimlessly, but I was able to ascertain several truths during the practice session versus Imogene:
1. Koy may well be a worse pitcher than Vandenberg. Not because he gets fewer balls over the plate than Vandenberg (that's a statistical impossibility), but because I've never seen a pitcher miss more routine throws from home. It's not like he had to deal with Murillo's "stones skipping across the pond" heaves from home plate. K. Sharp was winging them back, for crying out loud. I counted at least three dropped balls after pitches to the plate. He may be a Hoover at SS, but Koy just plain sucks on the hill.
2. Townsend is a dead ringer for Chuck Knoblauch. Both made their name in Bellaire, only to forget everything ever taught them about baseball/softball once they made it to the big time. Routine throw to first? Hello, right field. Routine throw to second? Hello, right field. Routine throw home? Hello, umpire catching one in the dome.
3. O'Rourke is my new favorite second baseman. Why, you ask? Not because he's effective. He's not. He drops balls at second just like he does in RCF. But because he insisted on keeping a beer sitting in the dirt to the left of him at all times. Had anyone knocked over that beer, I'm pretty sure O'Rourke would have choked someone to the point of decapitation.
4. As we had already won the game before it started, I finally let the multiple All-Stars on the Pirates roster play the positions they believe they were born to play. That is, I finally let all the guys who swear up and down that they can play in the outfield play out there, and those that usually play high skill positions to play positions requiring lesser skill. Exhibit A: K. Sharp playing C and H. Landers playing RF. Aside from the humor of seeing Landers run around in the outfield (for the record, he played well out there, likely because nothing was hit to him), the plan was for everyone to get comfortable playing new positions. Management has grown a bit tired of certain prima donnas insisting they can only play one or two positions. For clarification, see Point Five below. Thus, expect the Pirates to feature new faces in new places. Will feelings get hurt? Probably. Will I care? Not a chance.
5. I hope Castille enjoyed his time in LCF on Wednesday night, because his Reign of Terrible (not often I get to craft a pun referencing the French Revolution...go ahead and admire that for a second) there is over. Anyone who refuses to play anything but LF or LCF on the basis of being left-handed deserves for their trade school alma mater to lose to Oklahoma State on Saturday. ***NOTE--I actually wrote that before Tech gave Okie State their first conference win of the season on Saturday. Or maybe I wrote it after the fact to draw further attention to what I'm sure is a gut-wrenching loss for the ten Raider fans throughout the country. Either way, I hope the Raiders enjoy the Alamo Bowl.*** Unless Chuckles teaches himself to throw right-handed by next Wednesday, he's not playing LCF. Why must he learn to throw right-handed, you ask? Not as punishment. Simply because throwing with his less dominant arm is bound to result in better accuracy and higher velocity than that Lipton's noodle he calls a left arm.
6. Jorts. Freaking jorts. C. Stanich rocketed up the respect ladder because of his fashion savvy. Of course, he rocketed right back down because of poor hitting, but he had a moment at the top there.
7. I assumed that Pawlik busted out the jeans because his sliding pants were dirty, but then he didn't even have the decency to unnecessarily slide anywhere. Take a page from the S. Maguire handbook--chicks dig unnecessary slides. And disgusting beards.
8. No matter how many times it happens, watching people who can't jump attempt to sky to snag fly balls just doesn't get old. Thank you, N. Maguire.
9. Guidry took a hard shot off his leg while pitching for the Pirates. He went to great lengths to show me the bruising. While I applaud his willingness to sacrifice his body (or to simply marshal eyewitness evidence of abuse at the hands of management as fodder for a future lawsuit), battle scars in the field aren't going to make me move one up in the order. Only consistent hitting and/or Coors Light will do that. So far, I've seen neither.
10. Luckily for the fans, one of the frequent paparazzi in the stands got a picture of Vandenberg's epic strikeout. Here it is:
11. Finally, we arrive at the tale of L. Ward. Fresh off an impressive debut last week, I was looking forward to seeing if Ward could continue his assault upon Imogene. Instead, I received an e-mail explaining that the Pirates' budding star would be otherwise occupied for the game. Concerned, I read on until I saw the following fateful words:
"...I have a wine-tasting to attend..."
My concern immediately transformed into shock. Shock then became disgust. In fact, I'm pretty sure I blacked out for a second or two. Wine-tasting? Are you freaking kidding me? How could I have ever let such a fancy boy become a Pirate?
Ultimately, the failure lay with me. And that's why I have decided to discipline him accordingly. Initially, I admittedly overreacted and just cut Ward from the team. But part of the reason I became a manager, aside from the comically horrific knee injury that left me no other choice for a year, was to educate. And just cutting Ward for such a heinous infraction doesn't teach him anything. He'd probably go right on taking sips of Pinot Grigio, swirling, and spitting into buckets. So upon meeting with the Pirates' fallen rookie over fajitas, tequila, beer, and Long Island Ice Teas on Friday night, I devised an appropriate punishment.
Ward will be suspended for the Pirates' playoff opener against The Rac on Wednesday night. He will, however, be in attendance and sit on the bench in full uniform. To atone for his sins, Ward shall (1) wear a pink beret for the duration of the playoffs; (2) answer only to "Frenchy" and/or "Fancy Boy" for the night; and (3) drink a box of wine of his choosing during the first-round playoff game. Failure to complete any of the aforementioned three feats will immediately render him an ex-Pirate for all eternity. For example, if Ward wears the pink beret, answers to "Frenchy" and/or "Fancy Boy," but fails to chug the boxed wine before the Pirates beat The Rac, he's an ex-Pirate. Ward's fans (hello, Mr. and Mrs. Ward) may ask what happens if the Pirates drum The Rac into submission in only three innings instead of a full game. Let me be perfectly clear about this: As soon as the Pirates-Rac game concludes, regardless of whether it takes three innings or seven innings, the box of wine must be empty. If it's not, Ward's time with the Angry Pirates is over.
Assuming Ward complies with the aforementioned feats of strength, he shall be reinstated to the Pirates immediately following the playoff opener. Aside from the dozens of pictures that will surely be taken, the video footage that will be posted on this site, and countless references to him stumbling around in a pink beret that will ensue for the remainder of his life, we will never speak of it again. Time for me to start crafting the postseason line-up and breaking down film. In the words of L. Ward, au revoir.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade for November 2, 2005
I have to admit I was a bit worried about how the extended layoff would affect the Pirates. Due to a combination of subpar weather and glorious Astros success (World Series results notwithstanding), the squad had not taken the field for three weeks. In an effort to guard against complacency and the generally embarrassing play that pervades the field every week, management made the decision to acquire two key free agents. Coupled with the return of original Pirate (and sworn enemy of the Schick Corporation) Sweetwater Maguire, the Pirates unveiled a bold, fresh lineup against Old School and Whale Tails. In short, I was rather pleased with the squad's performance. And by "pleased," I mean "not any more disenchanted."
On to the individual analysis:
N. Maguire--in a poorly hatched effort to boost his batting average, Maguire was swinging like an unlatched gate in a hurricane (Note--I really wanted to reference deviant sexual behaviors in that analogy, but I couldn't bring myself to run a Google search on "swinging" at work. Please accept my apology for mailing this one in). Maguire's irresponsible decision was met with mixed success, as he went 2-2 with two singles and a sacrifice fly in the first game, but only 0-1 with a weak infield fly in the second game. In the field, he had more balls go through his legs than Jenna Jameson. I'll say it myself--nice second effort, Skip.
B. Moore--two nice singles (one in each game) plus a walk. Moore played a pretty solid SS and made one absolutely tremendous diving spear deep in the hole. In fact, it was such a tremendous catch that I almost forgot about the repeated poor throws to first and second base. I understand that Hall of Famers aren't on the receiving end of the throws, but keeping the ball in the same zip code would be nice.
K. Sharp--had a surprisingly ineffective first game at the plate, going only 1-3 with a double. For anyone else on this squad, that'd be Pirate of the Week material. But for The Franchise, it's a slump. Sharp rebounded nicely in the second game, going 2-2 with two of the longest singles in the history of the game. As always, LF was played flawlessly. If Sharp can ever find a bat to match his glove, he'd be the best player on the team.
B. O'Rourke--where can I possibly start? A loyal reader of this space told me that I need to be more positive and that I should always lead with praise. Fair enough. How about this--O'Rourke managed not to murder anyone last night. Seems trite, but homicide seemed to be inevitable at various points of the evening. I'm proud of him for respecting societal rules of law enough not to take a life. O'Rourke smacked a double, reached on an error, and flied out in the first game. The second game saw him reach on another error and leg out a triple. I must, however, tell the fanbase of the most epic meltdown seen since, well, O'Rourke's last epic meltdown (in which he accused the opposing team of "talking $hit with their eyes"). This latest break with sanity saw O'Rourke try to tag up on a deep fly to LF. 90% of the time, it's a safe play, as we're not exactly dealing with a bunch of cannons (K. Sharp excluded) in LF. But Whale Tails' leftfielder, like their entire freaking team, has an absolute hose. As such, he gunned O'Rourke down by about two steps. It was the third out. O'Rourke, no doubt disappointed in his play, trudged back to the dugout. He was greeted by LCF C. Castille snidely questioning what could have possessed him to try to run to third. Then, Castille reminded O'Rourke, who had participated in the very play in question just seconds earlier, that he was out by at least three feet. Much like a grizzly kicked in the pills, O'Rourke unleashed the beast within. This is a family column (Jenna Jameson references notwithstanding), so I will paraphrase O'Rourke's response.
"Kind sir, I find your comments to be wholly unnecessary. I wish for you to immediately cease with your negative banter, as I already feel as though I let my team down. You have exacerbated my ire, and I believe you have purposefully ignored your own shortcomings in evaluating this solitary baserunning mistake. In fact, I believe you are a below average softball player. My authority for this proposition is based upon your repeated misplays of fly balls in the outfield, your weak arm, and your hackneyed throwing motion. Until your ability to make sound plays in the field equals your propensity for criticizing my baserunning effort, I respectfully demand that you remain silent on this matter, lest I be forced to beat you about the head and shoulders, you incestuous piece of fecal matter."
Needless to say, O'Rourke dropped a few other gems later in the evening. At one point, he opined on the pleasure he would derive from taking a sharp object to the collective netherregions of the opposing team in their own dugout. That sort of passion is why O'Rourke is such a vital member of the Pirates. That, and I'm terrified to think of what he would do to me if I ever cut him.
J. Pawlik--ran late to the first game, so we had to put our fifth starter (Vandenberg) on the mound for the first inning. When Pawlik pulled up, I don't know that I've ever been happier to see someone in my life. I don't think I could have handled another "Vandenberg special" in the second inning. Upon coming in, Pawlik pitched extremely well. The score of the second game is misleading, as Pawlik actually shut Whale Tails out for an inning. At the plate, James had a strong first game, but hit like Adam Everett's younger sister in the second game, if said younger sister was blindfolded and had no arms. Veteran that he is, I'm sure he'll rebound next week. He's in no danger of being cut, as he is the only person on the entire freaking team capable of pitching the ball over the plate.
J. Vandenberg--his pitching performance in the first inning of Game One was merely a precursor to his play in the field for the evening. To turn a phrase, I would describe Vandenberg's fielding as a crime against humanity. At one point, I had to move him to catcher and insert a scarecrow in his place at 2B. He turned in a pretty solid performance at the plate, falling just a HR and 3B away from a cycle.
C. Castille--aside from his provocation of O'Rourke, Chuckles' contributions for the evening were wholly with the bat. He legged out a double and had two solid singles. In the field, his poor judgment of the balls in LCF made me wonder whether he had cataracts. He also dropped a ball or nine. All was not lost out in the field though, as the dirty looks he received from O'Rourke were extraordinarily entertaining. If I had to compare it to a contemporary duo in sports today, I think it was on par with the looks Mike Leach gave Cody Hodges during the 52-19 debacle in Austin a couple of weeks ago--complete and utter disgust.
S. Maguire--the prodigal son returned to the Pirates, and he has learned how to hit. Unfortunately, he forgot how to shave, but I'm willing to scrap the team's facial hair policy for the kind of play Sweetwater provided. Two strong singles in the first game, the last of which was capped off with a wholly unnecessary slide into home for our fourteenth run. There was no tag to beat; there were only people to humiliate. Thank goodness we're such classy winners. Aqua Dulce went 1-2 in the second game and played a solid RF throughout the doubleheader. The Pirates look forward to him coming back for the playoffs.
H. Landers--in his return to active fielding, Landers made some absolutely great plays at first base. So great was his play that I am actually thinking about making him our everyday first baseman again. That thought will probably pass as soon as I sober up, but props to him for giving me something to think about besides the source of my next beer. Landers spit out a single and double over the course of the doubleheader, raising his team-worst batting average to .400. Ted Williams he's not, but I'm encouraged by the improvement.
C. Stanich--played a pretty good third base and has the scars to show for it. I know that he was concerned that he wasn't doing a good job, but I hope he was encouraged by my explanation that simply getting in front of grounders is enough to earn you a Gold Glove on the Pirates. Stanich struggled at the plate, going only 1-4. I haven't seen so many infield flies since Sweetwater was clean-shaven. I suppose with Sweetwater migrating to Clear Lake and acquiring some skills, we had to bring someone else in to meet our "embarrassing taps to the SS quota."
L. Ward--showed surprising power and speed in his Pirates debut. 3-3 with three singles, one of which ended with him tripping over first base. As B. Moore so correctly observed, Ward's collapse over the bag brought back memories of my infamous knee injury a mere six months before. Except that Ward was faster, not tagged out while laying in a pile, and emerged with all ligaments intact, the two plays were identical. Indeed, Ward was so fast that he actually overran first base while scampering back on a deep fly. We're going to have to equip him with a parachute or brakes to offset his blinding speed. Or he could just buy a pair of cleats. Ward also did a great job of not hustling down an easy out while playing catcher for Old School in the first inning of Game One. That sort of commitment to the Pirates at the expense of fair play is a beacon to us all.
K. Guidry--in a noteworthy attempt at removal from the team blacklist, Guidry cast off the shackles of work to play in the second game. While his stats were of little worth (0-1 with a fielder's choice), his effort did not go unnoticed. I think it's safe to say that Guidry will not be "batting Guidry" very much longer. Unless, of course, he continues to go 0-1 with a fielder's choice in every game, in which case he should go ahead and get his mail forwarded to the dugout, as he will never leave the bench.
Special thanks to FOPs ("Friends of the Pirates") G. Sharp and S. Shivers, whose volunteering to play for Old School aided the Pirates' effort. You guys can come and suck it up for the other team anytime.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade for October 12, 2005
After reading and hearing of last week's hard-fought victory, I returned to my post this week optimistic about the Pirates' chances of taking home a trophy and/or a t-shirt proclaiming our first-place finish. Surely if the Pirates managed to win despite the ineptitude of "Crazy Legs" Townsend, surely we could round into a force under my watchful eye and tutelage. Clearly, my optimism was misplaced. We battled like warrior poets in the first game, but a team of dead monkeys may well have outplayed us in the second game. Granted, Whale Tails was roping the ball all over the field; I don't know if anyone would have beaten them. But 17-2? In 2.5 innings? Baboon carcasses would have at least put up five runs. On to personal accountability...
K. Sharp -- No surprise here. Another terrific night from our MVP -- double and a HR. Factor in the field management he performed in pre-game warm-ups, and his stock just continues to rise. He's like Bobby Boucher, but with grass and dirt instead of water. I'm very close to letting him refer to himself in the third person.
B. O'Rourke--provided easily the highlight of the night with his polite rebuke of Chaos' field manners. Not one single raised voice, overturned cooler, or kicked dog. Of course, the other team mercilessly mocked him for his newfound demeanor, but I wouldn't. As I said last night, I'm far more scared of quiet, smiling Tuffy than eyes bulging, red-faced Tuffy. If he starts offering to knit tea cozies for the opposing team, I'm running away as fast as I can. With regard to in-game performance, a tremendous 3-4 and a newfound patience at the plate, even producing a walk. Misjudged a fly ball or two in the outfield, likely due to being preoccupied with his new hobby of making scented candles.
N. Maguire--batted leadoff and drew three walks. That's right. Three walks. In slow-pitch softball. Am I criticizing him? Not at all; he is lead duck on the pond and will continue to bat at the top of the order as long as he continues working the count. We only get into trouble when he swings. Or plays in the outfield. Speaking of, he showed off his four-inch vertical in badly missing a fly ball to RCF. It was troubling to watch, much in the same way as my amusement with those old Medic-Alert commercials ("Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"). That's a pretty good analogy: Watching Maguire play RCF is like watching an octogenarian break a hip.
S. Townsend--below average night (2-6 with a double and sacrifice fly) at the plate for the Pirates' version of Jason Giambi. I'm not saying Townsend is on the juice, but he roped a ball 300 feet to left center last night. This from a man who has troubling summoning the strength to buckle his seatbelt. I will say, however, that if Townsend is in fact on HGH, he must be shooting it only into his upper body. Because the strength of his legs, as seen in the negative three inch vertical and/or frantic slow motion sprint to the fence on display for four occasions last night in RF, has not changed. I know that switching from C to RF is tough, but sweet Mariah. Stephen Hawking (sans chair) would have gotten to those balls faster than Townsend.
J. Vandenberg--played a generally nice SS filling in for Koy and/or Bobby. Made a couple of throws that Craig Biggio and/or Jeff Bagwell in their primes couldn't have gotten to, much less that Thomas or Landers could have stopped. To add insult to injury, he got bowled over by one of Chaos' minions trying to turn a double play. Townsend started running in to help him up, but the sun came up before he reached his fallen comrade. Vandenberg had a good game at the plate, going 3-7 with two big doubles. All in all, I wasn't really offended by his play. That's high praise.
M. Thomas--hit a big sacrifice fly for us to keep our rally going in the first game. But he also fell down a lot at 2B. Not "dove" a lot, but fell down a lot. There were an inordinate amount of bloop singles hit against us last night, many of which were simply unlucky for us. Some of which, however, may have been catchable if Thomas hadn't been doing his best helicopter (think of putting your arms straight out to the side, looking skyward, and spinning around). I'd say he lost it in the sun, but we play at night. The moon wasn't even full, for chrissakes.
H. Landers--first play of the game saw Landers completely bone a routine foul ball out at first base. He had to move about four strides to his left and settle under the ball. Instead, Landers opted to move two strides left and give me an aneurysm. He followed that Webgem up with a tag-team effort at futility with Thomas by combining to let an infield fly drop between them. Watching this unfold before me, I felt like Buttermaker in "The Bad News Bears," right down to the Coors in the dugout and disturbing drinking problem. Hunter did, however, have a solid night at the plate and on the basepaths, where he ignored repeated stop signs at first and third to the team's benefit. He will be fined accordingly.
J. Pawlik--pitched a great first game and got thumped like Mike Gallo in the second. Awesome game at the plate, smacking three doubles and doing his best to rally the squad to victory. Regarding his demand that Townsend be returned to home plate, allow me to say this: I don't negotiate with people who give up 17 runs in 2 innings. That said, he'll probably get his wish, as the thought of another game with Townsend in RF is roughly as disconcerting as the end of "The Crying Game."
B. Murillo--nice game behind the plate, where he sat in mud for about three hours. I'm not going to crack about the bounced throws to the mound; I'll leave that to Landers, who decided the best time to criticize others immediately follows his own inexcusable errors. Much has been made of the decision to swing on a full count with only seconds remaining, two men out, and the Pirates clinging to a two run lead. There's no way Murillo could have known that the umpire swears he would have called the pitch a ball just to end the game; I was informed of that little nugget after the game ended. There's no way Murillo could have known that there were only allegedly five seconds left when that fateful pitch left the pitcher's hand. The way I figure it, if you're 2-2 with a walk, you can take a cut at it if you want. And if your team loses that game, you don't need my stupid arse questioning you after the fact on the team website. So I won't. Jesus, we should have won that game. Congrats on your engagement though.
Special Guest Third Baseman: Brady--strong 2-5 with two triples. We wouldn't have rallied back twice without him. I firmly believe any poor throws were strictly the result of Vandenberg's mojo rubbing off on him from shortstop.
K. Guidry--DNP (player's decision). He claims he was ill. In light of his failure to mention that fact until this morning and the indisputable fact that Game 1 of the NLCS ran at the same time as our games, I am understandably skeptical. But I'm not unreasonable. If Guidry produces a doctor's note, all is forgiven. In the absence of such a note, he is batting O'Rourke for the foreseeable future.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade for October 5, 2005
With Skipper McHale vacationing in Marfa this week, the Tirade takes a temporary hiatus. Interim Manager Townsend did not feel that a Tirade was in order following the Pirates' rousing defeat of the Porn Stars, who had proven invincible under McHale's watch.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade for September 28, 2005
It's time for the premier edition of "Skipper's Weekly Tirade". Fresh from the deranged mind of our one-legged leader:
I could start this off with some platitude about everyone giving a great effort last night, but that's never been my style. So let's just get down to brass tacks:
K. Sharp--tremendous start to a promising career. Four doubles, cannon arm...what can you say? He misjudged one (1) fly ball, but who's counting? Sharp looks to be a fixture in the line-up for years to come. Big props to management for recognizing the need for a slugging outfielder and doing what it takes to bring the best in. Someone should win Executive of the Year for this move. Or at least get some beer purchased for him. By the way, I like Coors Light.
C. Castille--a couple of big hits and good play in the field. But what I really recall is the worst baserunning gaffe in franchise history. In an attempt to beat a pickoff throw back to second, Chuckles jumps in the air (imagine an eight-year old girl jumping rope) to avoid the ball. Coming down directly on second base, he proceeds to land on two feet for an instant before slipping and planting ass-first on the bag before staring in a daze at the dugout. If he was looking for encouragement, I wouldn't know; I was doubled over laughing. Thanks for the comic relief. Oh, and Tech sucks.
B. O'Rourke--at the risk of sending him into a homicidal rage, I'll be brief. Couple of nice strokes, couple of predictable flies out, and a "how in the world can he miss that" dropped fly ball in RCF. I mean, it hit him right in the glove, only to fall to earth like the Texans' preseason hopes. I was fully prepared for an expletive-filled rant and destroyed cooler upon his entrance into the dugout, but I guess the lithium kicked in. God bless modern medicine.
N. Maguire--solid RF and great patience at the plate. Absolutely worked the pitch count like no one else on our team. If Hunter had kept stats on number of pitches thrown each AB, he would be leading the team. That said, I'm pretty sure he was still impaired from Saturday night's Texas game; that may have contributed.
B. Moore--predictably solid glovework at 3B and a resurgence at the plate. Mix in the aggressive baserunning featured last night, and Bobby may soon find himself hitting in the top half of the line-up. Or not. It really just depends how the moons are aligned each week. And by "moons," I mean "Coors Lights in my belly."
J. Koy--inside the park HR was money. We were already way up, but I strongly advocate sweeping the leg, Cobra Kai style, at all times. Great glovework at SS. If it wasn't for Sharp's otherworldly performance and Koy's unprovoked screaming at the umpire for a litany of illogical reasons (e.g., Koy was out at first but insisted AT LENGTH that he was safe), he'd be Pirate of the Week. If I can focus his hatred of the umpire toward the opposition, we'll be even more dangerous. I'm either going to do that or work on getting Koy to say "pirouette" at least once per game.
M. Thomas--awesome game at the plate. Stroked singles like his life depended on it. Great glove at 2B in the second game. I will not elaborate on his fielding in the first game except to say that I briefly considered taking a bat to his head.
K. Guidry--it was nice to see that he saved something for his REAL team after being MVP for the opposition in the game prior. Nice game at the plate and sterling game in the field. Some would say it was petty of me to bat him O'Rourke for playing for the other team. I would also tell those people to shut up or they too will hit last for their insubordination. Officially, Kerry batted last because he didn't see fit to wear the official jersey to the game. Unofficially, I would say that no Pirate should ever help another team out. Ever.
J. Pawlik--nice game on the mound. Some might say the eight runs we gave up in the 6th to The Rac was a result of poor pitching, but I wouldn't. I would just say James' failure to strike out the side didn't help matters any. Rocked some deep shots, but most were unfortunately right to the opposing outfielders. Nevertheless, James is one of our more consistent hitters and possibly our most consistent drinker. For the latter, he's got my admiration.
S. Townsend--inexplicably did a tremendous job batting leadoff yesterday. Somehow, he also advanced from first to third twice and scored from second once. I'm not ashamed to say that I was convinced we were in an alternate dimension as a result of Scott's "speed" on the basepaths. Corpses are usually faster than Scott, but I suppose every lumbering Kentuckian has his day. I mean, Sam Bowie got drafted, right? Not much to say about Scott's effort in the field, as he played catcher. I don't recall the umpire catching one in the pills though, so good job.
H. Landers--hit the ball very hard...right at people. Hunter might not have seen a lot of time on the bases last night, but he kept impeccable stats. Except that he forgot RBIs and runs. If we had been playing soccer, that might be acceptable. In his capacity as DH and sounding board to me, he did a great job keeping me from listening to the voices in my head that were telling me to light myself on fire during the last inning of Game 1. For that, I'm sure my parents are pleased.
More to come next Thursday after we face Old School and Whale Tails. Feel free to send in questions; I'll attempt to answer one in each week's Tirade...
