Terrorism Hits Feld Park
In a move that rattled the organization to its aluminum core, K. "Franchise" Sharp abruptly quit the Angry Pirates yesterday approximately half an hour before gametime. According to sources close to the situation, the Pirates' most talented player arrived at Feld Park in a foul mood last night. Upon seeing the Skipper filling out his line-up card, Sharp was heard to remark that he would not be playing if the Pirates were going to bat more than eleven (11). When asked to elaborate upon his position, Sharp explained that he would not play for a team that did not give itself a chance to win, which, for all the softball novices out there, is apparently automatically the case whenever a team features more than 11 hitters.
As management does not negotiate with terrorists, Skip explained that the Pirates would in fact feature a twelve man batting order in the playoff opener. The Artist Formerly Known as Franchise ("AFKF") then began gesticulating wildly and screaming, "I don't need you! I don't need any of you!" before running to his truck, tears streaming down his face and skirt blowing in the spring wind.
It was later learned that AFKF had secretly joined a traveling "competitive" softball team that plays in another league on Wednesday nights, and that his run with the Pirates was coming to an end regardless. As the Pirates admittedly go through droughts of being less than competitive (e.g., January 2006 to the present), everyone completely understands the frustration AFKF must have felt playing with such inferior talent these past several months. Naturally, the Angry Pirates wish him the best of luck in his new endeavor. While management would have hoped all resignations occur BETWEEN SEASONS instead of merely minutes before the playoffs began, it understands that AFKF handled it in a manner he felt was proper, upstanding, and not at all like an eight-year old girl. While management thanks AFKF for his contributions to the growth of the organization, everyone is left to wonder what off-season moves will be made to counteract the loss of the sixth-best player in franchise history.
As management does not negotiate with terrorists, Skip explained that the Pirates would in fact feature a twelve man batting order in the playoff opener. The Artist Formerly Known as Franchise ("AFKF") then began gesticulating wildly and screaming, "I don't need you! I don't need any of you!" before running to his truck, tears streaming down his face and skirt blowing in the spring wind.
It was later learned that AFKF had secretly joined a traveling "competitive" softball team that plays in another league on Wednesday nights, and that his run with the Pirates was coming to an end regardless. As the Pirates admittedly go through droughts of being less than competitive (e.g., January 2006 to the present), everyone completely understands the frustration AFKF must have felt playing with such inferior talent these past several months. Naturally, the Angry Pirates wish him the best of luck in his new endeavor. While management would have hoped all resignations occur BETWEEN SEASONS instead of merely minutes before the playoffs began, it understands that AFKF handled it in a manner he felt was proper, upstanding, and not at all like an eight-year old girl. While management thanks AFKF for his contributions to the growth of the organization, everyone is left to wonder what off-season moves will be made to counteract the loss of the sixth-best player in franchise history.
posted by Anonymous at 9:58 AM
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