Ancient Treasures (Archives)
Pirates Win!!! Pirates Win!!!
In a STUNNING turn of events at Feld Park on Wednesday night, The Angry Pirates returned to the field in a victorious effort, clicking on all cylinders in a 13-9 win against the spirited H-Town Snipers. The Pirates' winless streak was snapped somewhere in the neighborhood of a dozen games, and the victory was no accident. The offense slugged its way to a large early lead, led by trusted power plant K. Sharp (unsurprisingly), who was 2-3 with a HR and a triple and by surprising power source S. Townsend (3-3 with his first career HR). The bottom of the order was extremely productive, as the most effective Irish duo since Kevin McHale and Robert Parrish, N. Maguire (3-3 with a triple) and T. McHale (2-2 with a walk), combined for a perfect OBP.
The Pirates got off to a rather auspicious start on offense (see the Ward of the Week for details), but gathered themselves to put a 3-spot on the board in the top of the first, highlighted by Franchise K. Sharp's latest HR. SP C. Stanich, the latest in a caravan of pitchers for the Pirates, cruised through a scoreless bottom of the inning. In the second, the Pirates got four consecutive two-out singles from B. Moore, C. Stanich, N. Maguire and T. McHale and a triple from shamed DH L. Ward, staking themselves to comfortable 7-0 lead. Stanich's masterful pitching continued in the second, firing a second consecutive scoreless frame.
The fireworks continued in the third inning, as The Franchise led off a with a moonshot triple, which glanced high off the netting over the LF fence, only to then be matched by 1B J. Vandenberg, who followed Franchise's epic blast with a double of his own to nearly the same spot. 3B S. Townsend then followed with a line drive into the RCF gap and capitalized upon his gazelle-like speed to score a rather routine inside-the-park HR. The rout was on, or so it seemed, as B. O'Rourke and C. Stanich sandwiched bookend singles around two outs, and N. Maguire brought them each home with a solid three-bagger. T. McHale continued to punish the Snipers for playing their outfielders in their traditional, grass-based positions, this time getting on base via either a great display of patience and judgment at the plate and nerves of steel or by cowardly taking a fat pitch right through the heart of the plate and praying for Big D to call "Ball Four". Whatever the reason, Skip was successful, and then L. Ward continued his redemption tour in grand Osteen fashion, launching a single into right-field, which rolled past the outfielders, allowing Ward to pick up McHale and carry him around the basepaths on his way to the plate. In the end, the Pirates had claimed a 13-0 lead and seemed to be destined for Easy Street.
Unfortunately, a combination of terrible umpiring by Big D, who was visibly shaken by the Pirates incredible performance, timely hitting and a couple of fielding miscues by the Pirates' defense allowed the Snipers to gain some momentum. But in the end, all the chanting and singing from the Snipers' dozens of fans was for naught, as C. Stanich shut down the Snipers in the bottom of the fourth inning, clinching the Pirates first win of the season.
March 22, 2006
McHale Returns, Losing Continues (x 2)
Here’s the thing about double-headers--you rarely sweep the two-game set, but you also rarely get swept, either. Your Fighting Angry Pirates proved once again to be the exception to the rule, falling in game one to the RAC, and in game two to the Scrappers. This brings the current losing streak to about 100 games—I’ve seriously stopped counting. If anybody can tell me the last time the Pirates won a game, please send it to the Fan Mail box. It may have been some time in the fall of 2005. If you need a reference point, our beloved Skipper, T. McHale, has known a woman “in the Biblical sense” since the last AP victory—which, for the uninitiated few among those who view this website, is much akin to viewing Halley’s Comet.
The Pirates were a bit short-handed on a crisp Bellaire Wednesday night, as outfielders C. Stanich, C. Castille, and B. Moore were not in the starting lineup. Stanich ended a LONG bachelorhood by tying the knot last weekend, so he was unavailable on his honeymoon. Stanich, the Pirates wish you luck in continuing your current lifestyle of going hunting or fishing on 90% of all weekends—somehow we doubt that’s going to fly w/ the wife. Moore and Castille were hosting a charity cockfight at an undisclosed location—they were not available for comment. Also notably absent was 3B/Bench Coach/Chief Statistician S. Townsend. Townsend was placed on the 15-day DL, retroactive to 3/13, with back spasms. Townsend claims the injury happened as a result of stepping out of the shower, but Pirates PR Director E. Townsend has confirmed that the injury actually took place some time during Townsend’s daily “Buns of Steel” and “Eight Minute Abs” workout.
Game 1 Recap
Game one against the RAC saw the Pirates explode for 12 runs in the 2nd inning on their way to scoring 18 for the game. This type of offensive explosion has not been seen in many moons from the Pirates’ bats. Unfortunately, without a full crew, the Pirates’ ship was awkwardly-manned—forcing Skipper T. McHale to make his long-awaited comeback to the active roster at 3B. McHale was not the only Pirate playing out-of-position and a comedy of errors allowed the RAC to plate 19 runs, nipping the Pirates by 1.
Despite his defensive shortcomings (read: inability to do anything adequately) McHale had quite a day at the plate in game one, racking up 2 hits in the 2nd inning. McHale’s offensive pop only allows him to hit the ball roughly 90 feet in the air, which coincidentally is the exact distance one must hit a blooper to drop in between the infielders and outfielders. The RAC, of course, caught on to this and employed what Skip called a “Bondsian” (a.k.a. “8 year-old special needs individual at the plate”) shift in his last at-bat, pulling all 4 outfielders in to play just beyond the infield dirt. As I’m sure none of the other teams in the BOSL will ever employ this unorthodox method, expect McHale to lead the Pirates in batting average for the foreseeable future. Or never get a hit ever again—one or the other.
Also showing major signs of improvement at the plate over the past few weeks, was C B. Murillo. Think of Murillo’s game as similar to McHale’s, but with slightly more pop, precluding the defense from making any major shifts. He’s doing it with smoke and mirrors and Miller Lite, but by God, he’s getting it done.
Game 2 Recap
Game 2 started out promising enough. P L. ward retired the Scrappers in order in the first with three ground ball outs handled expertly by 3B M. Thomas, prompting inquiries by several Pirates of “Scott who?” After the Pirates scored 1 run in the bottom of the 1st to take a 1-0 lead, the wheels came off completely.
Skipper McHale jokingly told P L. Ward as he strode out to the mound, “We got you a run, just throw some goose eggs up on the board, and we win.” Not having any idea what that meant due to his complete lack of knowledge of the game of baseball, Ward assumed this odd statement to mean, “Don’t throw a strike for the rest of the game.” He then proceeded to channel the spirit of S. Townsend and walk-in 4 runs without throwing a single pitch that a batter swung at. After being pulled for former/current P J. Pawlik, Ward had an epic O’Rourke-style meltdown, screaming, swearing, and throwing his glove in anger. The Scrappers went on to score about 15 runs that inning and beat the Pirates 19-7 by mercy rule.
Quick update on the O’Rourke Rage Watch: OF B. O’Rourke kept himself in-check for the majority of the double-header, which was about as shocking as M. Thomas passing a random drug screen. The cauldron finally bubbled-over after O’Rourke’s final at-bat, as he assaulted the dugout bench. When asked if his rage was subsiding with age, O’Rourke resonded, “Hey, f*** you, pal. Let’s see you run the stadium stairs 3 times a week at my age, f***-o!” Two words: He’s back.
Expect MAJOR tension in the air when ex-Pirate except for every week when he's in the starting lineup J. Pawlik brings his band of unruly insurgents to Feld Park in an attempt to further deface and embarrass his former franchise.
March 15, 2006
So...Maybe McHale's Not to Blame After All
Your Angry Pirates took on Costello at Feld Park on Wednesday, losing once again to bring the current losing streak to as-long-as-anybody-can-remember.
Pirates skipper T. McHale was on assignment in the Valley as part of his day job as a human smuggler (or "coyote" as
his Spanish-speaking cargo calls him), and bench coach S. Townsend was in Hollywood shopping a television pilot called "Townsend's Creek", which is the horrifying true story of how he and his wife (Pirates PR Director E. Townsend) courted and eventually married.
This left Pirates management with a difficult decision as to who could lead the team in the absence of the team's two top-ranking officials. Rather than giving the task to K. "The Franchise" Sharp, who just so happens to coach baseball for a living, Management, in their infinite wisdom, gave the reigns to DH/chain-smoker/rodeo mogul H. Landers.
In his first obviously-drunk-with-power-and-whiskey move as manager, Landers decided to shake things up defensively by having the Pirates choose their position at random out of a hat. The hat contained slips of paper that had each position written on them along with 3 "whammies". Any Pirate who pulled a whammy was obligated to shotgun a beer. Not shockingly at all, C/DH L. Ward drew all 3 whammies.
Pretty much everything went downhill from there. Defensive highlights from the game included the Pirates using a left-handed 3B, a LF who doesn't know the rules of baseball, their best defensive player at C, and 4 different pitchers in 4 innings.
Offensively, the Pirates showed continued improvement, scoring better than 10 runs in their second straight game with a barrage of seeing-eye grounders, bloops, Texas Leaguers, and a host of defensive mishaps by Costello.
LF B. O'Rourke continues to show improvement at the plate after his winter season-long slump, hitting the ball solidly in every plate appearance. O'Rourke also displayed his once-lost signature rage that has made him a fan favorite, javelin-throwing a bat at the Feld Park fence in anger after lining out to 3B to end an inning.
Also, former Pirates SP and current DEA player-manager J. Pawlik returned to the Pirates on a one-game contract. This perplexing and Budweiser-fueled decision by interim manager H. Landers was obviously wrought with conflict of interest and is currently under investigation by the BOSLPA and Commissioner D. Smith IV. Landers could face up to a 2-game suspension and a fine of public humiliation by playing his next game in nothing but a jockstrap. In a statement issued by Landers' player rep/wife B. Landers, she stated "That's not good for anybody." Pirates management was contacted for comment, but did not return multiple calls before this story was printed.
By the way, stats are not updated because, surprisingly, the detail was insufficient to support the tremendous standard of accuracy maintained by the Pirates front office.
The Pirates will play softball badly and black out once again on Wednesday at 6:40 vs. the Scrappers.
March 8, 2006
Brand New Season, Same Old Crappy Brand of Softball
Death. Taxes. Rob Thomas putting out a horrendous, unlistenable album. The Angry Pirates playing a terrifyingly ugly softball game and being bludgeoned mercilessly by their opponents. In an ever-changing world, scarce few things can be taken as givens anymore. These four things are certainly among them. After a six-week layoff, the Angry Pirates returned to Feld Park with visions of championships and ticker-tape parades in their heads, and they left realizing that those visions were more likely alcohol-induced delusions than prophetic foresights.
After an excessively dramatic and tumultuous offseason, the Pirates faced the BOSL's chameleons, now cleverly dubbed as Speaker City, to kick off the 2006 spring campaign. GM Skipper McHale invoked a "11-man Rule", attempting to solidify the Pirates lineup and establish a sense of on-field continuity. That continuity was clearly evident Wednesday night, as in, "Boy, the Pirates sure do continue to stink at softball." After seeing their "ace" starting pitcher take his balls (and bats) and start his own team in the offseason, the Manager Skipper McHale had to revisit his pitching situation. With LHP K. Guidry pursuing alternative interests, McHale handed the ball in the season opener to the Pirates original SP, bench coach S. Townsend. Townsend was never much of a pitcher back in the days of yore, and apparently time has done nothing to change that, as his performance on Wednesday night was one that only Steve Blass and Bill Stemmeyer would appreciate. After a shaky first inning that made Pirates fans a little carsick, the second inning was enough to make Pirates fans feel like Eddie Sutton with vertigo. Granted the winds were blustery, the umpiring inconsistent and the opposing batters finicky, but walking a man on a 3-1 count by tossing a ball three feet behind him really can only be credited to a complete lack of talent. Despite a strangely productive performance from the Pirates' offense, the Black & Gold fell 23-14.
A few notable tidbits from the game:
- The newly shuffled lineup placed former OF and resident Pirates' sex symbol C. Castille behind the plate for Wednesday's affair. Castille took quite a liking to his new position, and Pirates management should be commended for having the foresight to place a rangy catcher like C. Castille behind the plate as a batterymate for S. Townsend. Castille was seen taking pure oxygen from a mask shortly after the game Wednesday night, a product of his understandable exhaustion from "shagging" hundreds of errant tosses by marksman S. Townsend.
- Skipper McHale, who apparently was not sufficiently embarrassed by shredding the majority of the structures within his right knee while running out an dribbling groundball, has taken his brazen lack of humility to a new level. Clearly trying to expand the Pirates' marketability beyond their current, admittedly narrow demographic, McHale was seen kibitzing after the game with a representative of FuBu, apparently finalizing a joint advertising deal with "Jesus in Cleats". Rumor is that there will be a joint spread of "Jesus" and "Skip" in the next issue of Jet magazine, showing how both a sensational athlete and an abominable drunk can feel like brothers by donning the same ridiculous headwear.
- "The Franchise" added to his growing legend Wednesday night by bashing an opposite-field HR off of the top of the water tower in right-center. After the game, the Pirates concluded that none of the non-Franchise roster was actually capable of standing at the fence in right-center and throwing a ball off of the water tower, much less hitting a ball from home plate onto the tower. Much of the credit behind the scenes was given to Franchise's new insurance policy in the lineup, S. Townsend. Rumbling Pirates were heard to say that if they were fortunate enough to have such an intimidating presence in the on-deck circle when they were up to bat, they would hit two balls off of the water tower and have two hot chicks at the game pawing at them.
Pirates Pillage Defending Champs, Nearly Upset Pros
Coming off of a miraculous doubleheader sweep last week, a confident crew of Angry Pirates took the field Wednesday night, hoping to prove that the previous week's results were legitimate. Trouble was that their case was going to have to be proven against the two most powerful teams in the BOSL Winter Season: Whale Tails, who are the defending league champs, and the Pikes, a juggernaut traveling squad with a roster that reads like a Who's Who of Gulf Coast Softball. Powered by their newfound confidence and a surplus of cold beer, the Pirates staged a performance that their handful fans will not soon forget.
The Pirates never let the Whale Tails feel comfortbale in the matinee session, thanks to a continued power surge at the plate and a stellar defensive effort. Pirate of the Week J. Koy made a sensational seated catch at the fence in LF, and 2B N. Maguire inhaled numerous rocket-shots off the Whale Tails' bats, keeping their prolific offense in check for the entire night. At the plate, the Pirates got a balanced effort from their entire lineup, jumping out to a comfortable lead and coasting to a relatively easy victory over the defending champs.
If the Pirates were fired up for Game One, then they were fully engulfed at the start of the nightcap. The Pikes rightfully believed that they were just making a leisurely stroll through the Winter BOSL en route to their one-billionth "BOSL Champions" T-shirt and that no competitor was worthy of sharing their field. To be fair, several of their players were somewhat distracted by the pesky ankle monitoring devices that the Texas Department of Corrections requires them to wear, and two of the more swollen Pikes appear to have eaten AWOL Pirate 1B K. Guidry. The second game went back and forth, with the Pikes clinging to a 15-9 advantage heading into the top of the fifth inning. In what was likely their last at-bat, the Pirates put together a furious rally, highlighted by a three-run HR by "The Franchise" K. Sharp, but in the end, they came up one run short. The Pirates are certainly not above claiming moral victories, and engaging in a tense nailbiter against the BOSL equivalent of the 1927 Yankees certainly gives them confidence as they head down the stretch of the Winter Season.
Among those in attendance was "consultant" M. McHale, patriarch of the Pirate dynasty, who was apparently summoned to "observe" the Pirates in a Reevesian role by his only male offspring, Pirate GM/Manager Skipper McHale. M. McHale seemed on edge throughout, speaking in short, polite terms that made those Pirates familiar with M. McHale's usual style quite nervous. Little is known about M. McHale's future with the club, though it certainly brings to the forefront the question of T. McHale's future. Some sources believe that T. McHale is attempting euthanize his life as a Pirate by paying someone to fire him, hoping to put him out of the miserable life that he created. Watch for more in the Booty later this week on this developing story.
The night was marred by repeated misinterpretations of the Rules of the Game by Friend of the Pirates D. Walker, who on multiple occassions stared helplessly at the competitors as if he was a stray cat. The result of these controversial calls, of course, was a series of heated confrontations, vulgar tirades and embarrassing meltdowns, in pure Pirate fashion. In the end, though, the Pirates left Optimist Field certain that they belonged on the field with any team they come up against. I would not want to be the Scrappers on January 11th.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade
The satisfying doubleheader sweep was not without its typical collection of whiffs, boots and mental mistakes. Skipper recaps his version of Wednesday night's events in his Weekly Tirade.
Pirate of the Week Award
Congratulations to Pirate LF J. Koy for being named this week's Pirate of the Week. J. Koy continued his blistering pace at the plate, including a clutch two-run HR in the top of the 1st inning v. the Pikes, which set the tone for the game and sent a clear message that the Pirates were not backing down. J. Koy also did his best J. Edmonds impersonation in the field, "accidentally" taking a seat on the warning track and still maintaining enough focus to haul in a deep fly ball. In addition, J. Koy made another sliding catch and fired numerous Howitzers in from the outfield, though his most powerful throw of the night was against the dugout fence in response to (another) blown call by Big D.
Sweetwhiffer Maguire delicately caressing his bat as if it was a finely crafted Pinot Noir, shortly after its use as a prop in a comedic softball skit which earned him the dishonor of Ward of the Week
December 14, 2005
Pirates Get Clock Cleaned to Open Winter Season
On a cold, misty night, the Water Buffalo's bats launched numerous frozen ropes, while the Pirates' bats simply froze, falling harmlessly 17-10. The Water Buffalo are one of a handful of "Sunday League" teams making their Wednesday night debut during the Winter Season, and the Pirates were as hospitable as possible, rolling out the red carpet by politely lobbing pop-ups and trickling ground balls to their fielders so as to make them feel right at home.
Skipper McHale unveiled a new defensive alignment, and by most accounts, it was deemed quite effective. The Pirates defense, for a change, was not their undoing. Their bats, on the other hand, will have to quickly awaken from their deep December slumber if they hope to scratch out a single win in the Winter League, as their opponents on the whole seem to mainly consist of players who each resemble the ancient Greek God of Burly Softball Greatness.
November 23, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: Closed Door Meeting at Pirates' HQ
Sources close to the Angry Pirates' front office report that there were heated closed-door discussions late into the evening on Thursday night regarding the future of the Pirates. One source, who asked to be referred to as "S. Townsend" so as to shield his true identity, claims that he has threatened to resign from the Pirates if massive roster changes do not occur prior to Opening Day. Apparently, one of the changes being considered involves Owner/GM/Manager Skipper McHale. Reportedly McHale the Owner is trying to determine whether McHale the GM or McHale the Manager is more responsible for the team's laughable performance and is considering firing the more culpable McHale. Removal of McHale the Manager could result in McHale the GM sitting in the top row of the bleachers in a three-piece suit with a bottle of champagne on game nights rather than sporting a skull cap and spikes in the dugout with the players, a change that would clearly be popular with the female Pirates fan base, but one that could certainly cause noticeable ripples in the team's clubhouse chemistry, as players would no longer be publicly dressed down or be cautioned against speaking freely amongst themselves.
McHale's reputation for violently confronting his players is certainly not winning him much support behind the scenes. One Pirates player, who asked to be referred to as "S. Townsend" so as to shield his true identity, claims that McHale has challenged his dedication to the Pirates for failing to cancel his family's Thanksgiving plans in order to improve his shaky defensive skills. Reportedly "S. Townsend" politely informed McHale that he should not believe that just because McHale's family would rather spend the Thanksgiving holiday sans McHale does not mean that McHale should assume that all families hate their own Pirates' kin equally.
There were also concerns expressed that McHale is too distracted from his own personal medical concerns (rehabbing his lame left knee) to properly tend to his duties as GM/Manager. McHale has intimated off the record under conditions of strict anonymity that he believes that his own return to the playing field will likely prove to be the missing piece in the Pirates' chase for a title. Skeptics claim that the addition of another light-hitting, no-fielding member to the active roster would only further cloud the Pirates' title hopes.
Questions were also raised about the conflicted mind of DH H. Landers, who apparently skipped the Pirates' postseason games to attend a modeling audition. McHale cited Landers' rugged good looks and lackluster softball performances as sufficent enough reasons for Landers to consider the potential career move.
BREAKING NEWS: Five Starting Positions "Up in the Air" according to McHale
In a rare interview conducted late last evening from his palatial Midtown estate, Skipper McHale, apparently acting under the assumption that he will be returning to the Pirates another season, waxed poetically about his plans for the upcoming Winter Season. The two most notable remarks came with regard to the possible implentation of a pitching rotation rather than a reliance upon an everyday starting pitcher and with regard to the potential for open positions come the start of Winterball.
On the pitching front, Skipper McHale is apparently toying with the concept of rotating pitchers on a weekly basis rather than running Blue Jeans Pawlik out to the mound every Wednesday night. There is some question as to whether this move is motivated by a concern about the diminishing quality of Pawlik's pitching or by a belief in the front office that the pitcher's mound could be a good spot to hide lesser-skilled Pirates. Regardless, names being bantered about for potential slots in the rotation include current ace J. Pawlik, lefty reliever K. Guidry, ousted LCF C. Castille and former starting pitcher S. Townsend, among others.
Between bites out of a Wendy's Triple Bacon Cheeseburger and guzzles from his frothy Coors Light, McHale went on to say that he considers five of the non-pitcher spots in the Pirates lineup sealed shut, but that there are several positions at which he is still undecided. Apparently, the positions of LF, LCF, RCF, SS and 2B are considered filled come Opening Day, but McHale would not reveal who would be filling those positions, saying only that "some of these names may surprise you". As far as RF, 3B, 1B and C, McHale would not speculate on his options for those positions, only saying that the players who have previously been filling those roles for the Pirates should not necessarily feel comfortable about the security of their Wednesday night jobs. Much of McHale's decision will ride on whether or not he believes that the Pirates as currently structured have reached a permanent plateau, never to become a team that could win a playoff game, or if a minor tweak or a major overhaul of the Pirates' roster would be successul in taking the team to the lofty next level: mediocrity.
Apparently there was an intense clash between McHale and one of his subordinates about McHale's apparent contentment with a .500 record and another quick playoff exit. Some close to the situation believe that this past regular season, in which the Pirates did finish with in a franchise-best 3rd place, was more the result of a weaker schedule than of improved play. McHale seems rather conflicted about the direction of the team, and only Opening Night of the Winter Season will truly reveal whether he believes that this past season was merely the bulkiest turd yet in the steaming pile of crap that is the Pirates' record book or a fertilizing nutrient sure to lead to a blossoming championship future for the Pirates. Regardless, the current state of the club smells rancid, and there is certainly some belief that something is going to have to change to prevent several nauseous Pirates from gagging towards the exit.
November 16, 2005
The Angry Pirates Swallow their Swords - Lose in 1st Round
It was a bone-chilling night for the Pirates and their fans on Wednesday night, just what hardball in November is supposed to be like. The beer was plentiful, the taco stand ablaze, and the the wine was flowing like, well, wine. Unfortunately, the Pirates' defense played like their hands were ice blocks, and in the first round matchup against the last-place team from the regular season, the Pirates were destroyed 23-13.
The lead shifted back and forth in the early going: The Rac 2-0, the Pirates 3-2, tied 3-3, the Pirates 6-3, the Rac 6-6, the Pirates 7-6...and then...the Pirates began taking on water and the U.S.S. Championship Hopes was sunk. Balls rolled under gloves. Balls flew over heads. Balls landed in front of onlooking fielders. Balls were flung past intended recipients...widely past them. Balls were pitched over, under and around the strike zone. All in all, it was the perfect storm of softball ineptitude, and it will likely result in massive offseason changes for the Pirates organization. To be frank, no Pirate is safe. Well, K. Sharp, but that goes without saying. The next weeks will involve a lot of sleepless nights for the Pirates, wondering if their roster spot will still be there come December 7, Opening Night of the Winter Season.
November 9, 2005
The Angry Pirates Clinch 3rd Place Regular Season Finish
It was slightly anticlimactic since it resulted from of a forfeit victory, but there's no need for an asterisk. Imogene's ironic mixture of arrogant showboating and miniscule talent has apparently reached a level so great that they can no longer even field enough players to man the infield, much less all ten defensive positions. The Pirates came ready and in abundance, even sending four of their finest over to help plug Imogene's holes just long enough to 'scrimmage' for a couple of innings. By 'scrimmage', I mean 'bat around without making an out.'
Stats were not kept because the game was unofficial, but J. Koy and K. Sharp certainly deserve mention for their back-to-back HR leading off the Pirates' half of the first. It got so ugly that B. O'Rourke was optioned across the field to Imogene after embarrassing his teammates by making the Pirates' first out (he was the 14th batter of the inning). Skipper McHale unveiled his best Phil Garner 'Sunday Special' lineup, allowing eager Pirates to showcase their talents at new positions in the field. One could certainly surmise that the Pirates have not had this much momentum since Scrap vacationed in Marfa for a week. We'll see next week if the roll continues.
Bracket Contest
It's Fall Frenzy time at the BOSL - office productivity around the nation is certain to plummet with the release of the BOSL Tournament Bracket. Here's how the bracket shapes up:
6:40 - (7) The Rac v. (3) The Angry Pirates
7:30 - (5) Chaos Reloaded v. (4) Imogene
8:20 - (6) Porn Stars v. (2) Old School
9:10 - The Angry Pirates (a/k/a Winner of 6:40 game) v. (1) Whale Tails
10:00 - Winner of 7:30 game v. Winner of 8:20 game
10:50 - The Angry Pirates (a/k/a Winner of 9:10 game) v. Winner of 10:00 game
Send in your completed brackets to fanmail@theangrypirates.net, and the winner will receive a private five-minute personal tirade at an uncomfortably close distance from an inebriated Skipper.
Here's one webmaster's not-so-humble predictions:
6:40 - The Angry Pirates 17, The Rac 5: The Rac is a respected group of guys who play the game right. Unfortunately, they don't play it well, and the Pirates will pummel them into a quick submission, seeking revenge a sorry opening night defeat.
7:30 - Chaos 3.50 x 10E6, Imogene 5: Buoyed by their hatred of the 75% of Texans who rudely foiled their matrimonial plans at the ballot box on Tuesday, Chaos slaps a short-handed Imogene silly.
8:20 - Porn Stars 7, Old School 6: In a mild upset, the soon-to-be-extinct Porn Stars rise to the occasion one last time, knocking off the irritating Old Schoolers in an offensive struggle.
9:10 - The Angry Pirates 22, Whale Tails 18: A two-hour layover results in an early-inning hangover for the Pirates, who successfully triple their collective BAL during the break but struggle to get their game faces on early in the first semifinal. The Whale Tails dash out to an early double-digit lead, but fueled by a profane mid-game tongue-lashing by Skipper McHale, the Pirates rally to put away the Next Big Thing of the BOSL in resounding fashion.
10:00 - Porn Stars 9, Chaos 6: In "Gay Porn - the Sequel", these two intolerable troops engage in an intimate physical struggle that is not suitable for children or people who enjoy watching well-played softball. The Porn Stars rally for five runs in the final frame, thanks in large part to the fact that the entire Chaos OF departs early so as to not miss the premiere of "Behind the Music: Cher".
10:50 - The Angry Pirates 11, Porn Stars 0: Pirates ace LHP J. Pawlik bewilders the Porn Star sticks for four shutout innings to help the Pirates capture the tournament title. The Bomber threatens to break up the masterpiece with two outs in the bottom of the fourth inning when he lines a clean single to left. Inexplicably, Pirates LF K. Sharp cleanly fields the ball takes off running out to center field, evading several would-be tackles from his fellow Pirates OFers, and he hops the fence and sprints out of view behind the water tower with ball in hand. The Bomber continues to madly circle the bases, winking and blowing kisses to his Shorty en route, only to be hosed at the plate when K. Sharp drops an absolute laser on the catcher from just south of the 610 interchange.
October 12, 2005
It was a rollercoaster ride for the Angry Pirates last night. Sadly, the ride ended with all of the Pirates' players being tossed from their securely fastened seats like dainty little ragdolls and with their dignity as well as the majority of their innards being hastily scattered across the grounds of Optimist Field like piles of filthy litter under the Pierce Elevated.
The matinee matchup with LCF C. Castille's not-so-secret admirers started off rather awkwardly when BOSL's Happiest learned that the token of their affection was not in attendance. The Pirates were severely shorthanded, forcing several to learn positions on the fly. Not so surprisingly, the game was a slugfest. The Pirates would thrust their swords in deep, only for Chaos to slap and nibble their way back into the game. Always possessing a flair for the dramatic (a quality that the females clearly find irresistable), the Pirates fought back from a four-run deficit in the fifth to take the lead with time waning. Coaxing a lead with mere seconds remaining on Blue's timepiece, it appeared that the Pirates were on their way to certain victory. However, the Second-That-Would-Not-Tick reared its ugly head, and eventually extra innings became necessary. After Chaos dropped a five-spot on the board in the top of the sixth, the resilient Pirates rallied to tie it and send it into one-pitch sudden death. In the extra frame, the Pirates compiled an impressive assortment of bad hitting, terrible fielding and boneheaded baserunning plays to seal their fates. The Fruits ripened, 21-16.
Bewildered, stunned, embarrassed and ashamed, the Pirates walked into the second game of the doubleheader feeling like they do most mornings. It was gut check time, and Skipper McHale had to circle the proverbial wagons for a matchup against BOSL's rising stars, the Whale Tails. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The Pirates folded up like a rented tux. Final score: Whale Tails 17, Angry Pirates 2 (in 2.5 innings).
October 5, 2005
Minus their Fearless Leader (pictured below) who was sampling the nightlife in the bustling Texas metropolis of Marfa, the short-handed Angry Pirates took the field Wednesday night against their longtime nemesis -- the Porn Stars. The Bomber was in his full Jemima-regalia and as strapping as ever, and Porn Stars' typically obnoxious one-liners were as thick in the air as the swarm of Rita-spawned mosquitoes. Topping all of these distractions were the absence of a large cooler and the presence of a solitary lukewarm 18-pack to sustain us, but the Pirates were not to be denied on this night, overcoming all and prevailing 9-7.
The Pirates jumped out to 7-3 lead after 2.5 innings thanks in large part to three consecutive hits from LCF and resident sex symbol C. Castille, 2B N. Maguire and replacement RF The New Tim and a pair of Porn Star defensive lapses, but the Stars rallied to tie the score in the bottom of the third. With two outs in the Pirates' fourth, interim manager and occasionally trusty backstop S. Townsend came through with a clutch go-ahead RBI single through the gap between SS and 3B and came "racing" around to score on RCF O'Rourke's tape-measure double to LF.
Behind stellar pitching and defense the rest of the way, notably multiple heat-seeking OF assists from Newcomer of the Year K. Sharp in left field and fearless glovework on the left-side of the infield from 3B B. Moore and SS J. Koy, the Pirates retired the Stars without as much as a whimper in the fourth and fifth innings to improve their record on the young season to (2-1). Surprisingly, not a punch was thrown as the Pirates gloated and boasted through the post-game handshake line. I believe it was because even the Porn Stars knew that a new era was being ushered in, and their reign atop the BOSL had clearly come to a crashing end.
Recipients of the "Pirate of the Week" Award
April 5, 2006: N. Maguire (perfect night at plate, great glove work)
March 22, 2006: K. Sharp (see 9/28/05 award notes
March 15, 2006: S. Townsend (failing to inflict his horrendous pitching on those in attendance by being absent)
March 8, 2006: L. Ward (inspirational play)
January 11, 2006: Absolutely no one
December 28, 2005: J. Koy (HR v. the Pikes, fancy catch in left field)
December 21, 2005: K. Sharp (inside-the-park grand slam)
December 7, 2005: J. Vandenberg (two hits, including a triple, masterful play at first, and resolving intrateam strife)
November 16, 2005: L. Ward (for chugging a 5-liter box of wine and insulting every ethnic group on Earth)
November 9, 2005: C. Stanich (for his mystifying display of Jorts on the field)
November 2, 2005: L. Ward (perfect night at the plate in his Pirate debut)
October 12, 2005: B. O'Rourke (for his cool-minded disposition and brilliant display of sportsmanship)
October 5, 2005: H. Landers and T. McHale (for their absence)
September 28, 2005: K. Sharp (for his incredible on-field performance)
Recipients of the "Ward of the Week" Ward
April 5, 2006: L. Ward (swinging K to lead off game)
March 22, 2006: B. O'Rourke (running the bases like C. Castille)
March 15, 2006: H. Landers (leading the Pirates to never-before-seen depths of crappy play)
March 8, 2006: S. Townsend (shotgun pitching approach)
January 11, 2006: H. Landers (bunting)
December 28, 2005: S. Maguire (mighty whiff)
December 21, 2005: C. Stanich (mighty whiff)
December 7, 2005: C. Castille (attempting to destroy team unity with selfish use of childish tactics)
November 16, 2005: Skipper McHale (compiling the worst team in the history of organized softball)
November 9, 2005: L. Ward (skipping game for wine tasting)
Ancient Letters
We have received our first fan mail. This one is from "Chaos Unloaded" of Houston, who writes:
"Will you tell your left-center fielder to play with his shirt off. I love when he changes in the dugout before each game."
Thanks for writing, Chaos, and trust me, it's a treat for all of us when the Tejas Abogado makes his provocative weekly entrance.
More mail:
Dear Sirs:
Any chance of getting a Pirate to make a personal appearance at my next corporate event? And by "corporate event", I mean my youngest son's second birthday party. If he's available, I'd really like O'Rourke to dress up as a clown and make balloon animals for the kiddies.
Muy Cordialamente,
Escuela Vieja
Escuela, the Pirates criminal justice liaison has made a couple of phone calls, and it turns out that as long as this little party is kept under tight wraps, we should be able to rig our popular RCF's ankle monitoring device such that he will be able to stop by and provide a little ray of sunshine on your son's big day. Our counsel will have some papers for you to sign, and then everything will be just bueno. We promise that it will be a party that you'll not soon forget!
Dear Angry Pirates,
I stole the wallet from my mom's purse, and she found it under my bed. I was going to use the cash to buy some weed to impress this girl at school tomorrow, but the &%^& found the cash rolled up in my cigarette stash. Fortunately, she did not find her credit cards, which I hid in my underwear drawer. Can I expect to get my official #0 K. Guidry Angry Pirate jersey from your website before she cancels her cards?
Good luck in the tourney!
Lil' Tommy Timmons
Age 8
La Porte, Texas
Good news Lil' Tommy! The ink's about dry on our multi-dollar marketing deal, and a wide variety of The Angry Pirates apparel and novelty items should be available online soon. All proceeds will benefit The Angry Pirates Liver Demolition Fund.
In a STUNNING turn of events at Feld Park on Wednesday night, The Angry Pirates returned to the field in a victorious effort, clicking on all cylinders in a 13-9 win against the spirited H-Town Snipers. The Pirates' winless streak was snapped somewhere in the neighborhood of a dozen games, and the victory was no accident. The offense slugged its way to a large early lead, led by trusted power plant K. Sharp (unsurprisingly), who was 2-3 with a HR and a triple and by surprising power source S. Townsend (3-3 with his first career HR). The bottom of the order was extremely productive, as the most effective Irish duo since Kevin McHale and Robert Parrish, N. Maguire (3-3 with a triple) and T. McHale (2-2 with a walk), combined for a perfect OBP.
The Pirates got off to a rather auspicious start on offense (see the Ward of the Week for details), but gathered themselves to put a 3-spot on the board in the top of the first, highlighted by Franchise K. Sharp's latest HR. SP C. Stanich, the latest in a caravan of pitchers for the Pirates, cruised through a scoreless bottom of the inning. In the second, the Pirates got four consecutive two-out singles from B. Moore, C. Stanich, N. Maguire and T. McHale and a triple from shamed DH L. Ward, staking themselves to comfortable 7-0 lead. Stanich's masterful pitching continued in the second, firing a second consecutive scoreless frame.
The fireworks continued in the third inning, as The Franchise led off a with a moonshot triple, which glanced high off the netting over the LF fence, only to then be matched by 1B J. Vandenberg, who followed Franchise's epic blast with a double of his own to nearly the same spot. 3B S. Townsend then followed with a line drive into the RCF gap and capitalized upon his gazelle-like speed to score a rather routine inside-the-park HR. The rout was on, or so it seemed, as B. O'Rourke and C. Stanich sandwiched bookend singles around two outs, and N. Maguire brought them each home with a solid three-bagger. T. McHale continued to punish the Snipers for playing their outfielders in their traditional, grass-based positions, this time getting on base via either a great display of patience and judgment at the plate and nerves of steel or by cowardly taking a fat pitch right through the heart of the plate and praying for Big D to call "Ball Four". Whatever the reason, Skip was successful, and then L. Ward continued his redemption tour in grand Osteen fashion, launching a single into right-field, which rolled past the outfielders, allowing Ward to pick up McHale and carry him around the basepaths on his way to the plate. In the end, the Pirates had claimed a 13-0 lead and seemed to be destined for Easy Street.
Unfortunately, a combination of terrible umpiring by Big D, who was visibly shaken by the Pirates incredible performance, timely hitting and a couple of fielding miscues by the Pirates' defense allowed the Snipers to gain some momentum. But in the end, all the chanting and singing from the Snipers' dozens of fans was for naught, as C. Stanich shut down the Snipers in the bottom of the fourth inning, clinching the Pirates first win of the season.
March 22, 2006
McHale Returns, Losing Continues (x 2)
Here’s the thing about double-headers--you rarely sweep the two-game set, but you also rarely get swept, either. Your Fighting Angry Pirates proved once again to be the exception to the rule, falling in game one to the RAC, and in game two to the Scrappers. This brings the current losing streak to about 100 games—I’ve seriously stopped counting. If anybody can tell me the last time the Pirates won a game, please send it to the Fan Mail box. It may have been some time in the fall of 2005. If you need a reference point, our beloved Skipper, T. McHale, has known a woman “in the Biblical sense” since the last AP victory—which, for the uninitiated few among those who view this website, is much akin to viewing Halley’s Comet.
The Pirates were a bit short-handed on a crisp Bellaire Wednesday night, as outfielders C. Stanich, C. Castille, and B. Moore were not in the starting lineup. Stanich ended a LONG bachelorhood by tying the knot last weekend, so he was unavailable on his honeymoon. Stanich, the Pirates wish you luck in continuing your current lifestyle of going hunting or fishing on 90% of all weekends—somehow we doubt that’s going to fly w/ the wife. Moore and Castille were hosting a charity cockfight at an undisclosed location—they were not available for comment. Also notably absent was 3B/Bench Coach/Chief Statistician S. Townsend. Townsend was placed on the 15-day DL, retroactive to 3/13, with back spasms. Townsend claims the injury happened as a result of stepping out of the shower, but Pirates PR Director E. Townsend has confirmed that the injury actually took place some time during Townsend’s daily “Buns of Steel” and “Eight Minute Abs” workout.
Game 1 Recap
Game one against the RAC saw the Pirates explode for 12 runs in the 2nd inning on their way to scoring 18 for the game. This type of offensive explosion has not been seen in many moons from the Pirates’ bats. Unfortunately, without a full crew, the Pirates’ ship was awkwardly-manned—forcing Skipper T. McHale to make his long-awaited comeback to the active roster at 3B. McHale was not the only Pirate playing out-of-position and a comedy of errors allowed the RAC to plate 19 runs, nipping the Pirates by 1.
Despite his defensive shortcomings (read: inability to do anything adequately) McHale had quite a day at the plate in game one, racking up 2 hits in the 2nd inning. McHale’s offensive pop only allows him to hit the ball roughly 90 feet in the air, which coincidentally is the exact distance one must hit a blooper to drop in between the infielders and outfielders. The RAC, of course, caught on to this and employed what Skip called a “Bondsian” (a.k.a. “8 year-old special needs individual at the plate”) shift in his last at-bat, pulling all 4 outfielders in to play just beyond the infield dirt. As I’m sure none of the other teams in the BOSL will ever employ this unorthodox method, expect McHale to lead the Pirates in batting average for the foreseeable future. Or never get a hit ever again—one or the other.
Also showing major signs of improvement at the plate over the past few weeks, was C B. Murillo. Think of Murillo’s game as similar to McHale’s, but with slightly more pop, precluding the defense from making any major shifts. He’s doing it with smoke and mirrors and Miller Lite, but by God, he’s getting it done.
Game 2 Recap
Game 2 started out promising enough. P L. ward retired the Scrappers in order in the first with three ground ball outs handled expertly by 3B M. Thomas, prompting inquiries by several Pirates of “Scott who?” After the Pirates scored 1 run in the bottom of the 1st to take a 1-0 lead, the wheels came off completely.
Skipper McHale jokingly told P L. Ward as he strode out to the mound, “We got you a run, just throw some goose eggs up on the board, and we win.” Not having any idea what that meant due to his complete lack of knowledge of the game of baseball, Ward assumed this odd statement to mean, “Don’t throw a strike for the rest of the game.” He then proceeded to channel the spirit of S. Townsend and walk-in 4 runs without throwing a single pitch that a batter swung at. After being pulled for former/current P J. Pawlik, Ward had an epic O’Rourke-style meltdown, screaming, swearing, and throwing his glove in anger. The Scrappers went on to score about 15 runs that inning and beat the Pirates 19-7 by mercy rule.
Quick update on the O’Rourke Rage Watch: OF B. O’Rourke kept himself in-check for the majority of the double-header, which was about as shocking as M. Thomas passing a random drug screen. The cauldron finally bubbled-over after O’Rourke’s final at-bat, as he assaulted the dugout bench. When asked if his rage was subsiding with age, O’Rourke resonded, “Hey, f*** you, pal. Let’s see you run the stadium stairs 3 times a week at my age, f***-o!” Two words: He’s back.
Expect MAJOR tension in the air when ex-Pirate except for every week when he's in the starting lineup J. Pawlik brings his band of unruly insurgents to Feld Park in an attempt to further deface and embarrass his former franchise.
March 15, 2006
So...Maybe McHale's Not to Blame After All
Your Angry Pirates took on Costello at Feld Park on Wednesday, losing once again to bring the current losing streak to as-long-as-anybody-can-remember.
Pirates skipper T. McHale was on assignment in the Valley as part of his day job as a human smuggler (or "coyote" as
his Spanish-speaking cargo calls him), and bench coach S. Townsend was in Hollywood shopping a television pilot called "Townsend's Creek", which is the horrifying true story of how he and his wife (Pirates PR Director E. Townsend) courted and eventually married.
This left Pirates management with a difficult decision as to who could lead the team in the absence of the team's two top-ranking officials. Rather than giving the task to K. "The Franchise" Sharp, who just so happens to coach baseball for a living, Management, in their infinite wisdom, gave the reigns to DH/chain-smoker/rodeo mogul H. Landers.
In his first obviously-drunk-with-power-and-whiskey move as manager, Landers decided to shake things up defensively by having the Pirates choose their position at random out of a hat. The hat contained slips of paper that had each position written on them along with 3 "whammies". Any Pirate who pulled a whammy was obligated to shotgun a beer. Not shockingly at all, C/DH L. Ward drew all 3 whammies.
Pretty much everything went downhill from there. Defensive highlights from the game included the Pirates using a left-handed 3B, a LF who doesn't know the rules of baseball, their best defensive player at C, and 4 different pitchers in 4 innings.
Offensively, the Pirates showed continued improvement, scoring better than 10 runs in their second straight game with a barrage of seeing-eye grounders, bloops, Texas Leaguers, and a host of defensive mishaps by Costello.
LF B. O'Rourke continues to show improvement at the plate after his winter season-long slump, hitting the ball solidly in every plate appearance. O'Rourke also displayed his once-lost signature rage that has made him a fan favorite, javelin-throwing a bat at the Feld Park fence in anger after lining out to 3B to end an inning.
Also, former Pirates SP and current DEA player-manager J. Pawlik returned to the Pirates on a one-game contract. This perplexing and Budweiser-fueled decision by interim manager H. Landers was obviously wrought with conflict of interest and is currently under investigation by the BOSLPA and Commissioner D. Smith IV. Landers could face up to a 2-game suspension and a fine of public humiliation by playing his next game in nothing but a jockstrap. In a statement issued by Landers' player rep/wife B. Landers, she stated "That's not good for anybody." Pirates management was contacted for comment, but did not return multiple calls before this story was printed.
By the way, stats are not updated because, surprisingly, the detail was insufficient to support the tremendous standard of accuracy maintained by the Pirates front office.
The Pirates will play softball badly and black out once again on Wednesday at 6:40 vs. the Scrappers.
March 8, 2006
Brand New Season, Same Old Crappy Brand of Softball
Death. Taxes. Rob Thomas putting out a horrendous, unlistenable album. The Angry Pirates playing a terrifyingly ugly softball game and being bludgeoned mercilessly by their opponents. In an ever-changing world, scarce few things can be taken as givens anymore. These four things are certainly among them. After a six-week layoff, the Angry Pirates returned to Feld Park with visions of championships and ticker-tape parades in their heads, and they left realizing that those visions were more likely alcohol-induced delusions than prophetic foresights.
After an excessively dramatic and tumultuous offseason, the Pirates faced the BOSL's chameleons, now cleverly dubbed as Speaker City, to kick off the 2006 spring campaign. GM Skipper McHale invoked a "11-man Rule", attempting to solidify the Pirates lineup and establish a sense of on-field continuity. That continuity was clearly evident Wednesday night, as in, "Boy, the Pirates sure do continue to stink at softball." After seeing their "ace" starting pitcher take his balls (and bats) and start his own team in the offseason, the Manager Skipper McHale had to revisit his pitching situation. With LHP K. Guidry pursuing alternative interests, McHale handed the ball in the season opener to the Pirates original SP, bench coach S. Townsend. Townsend was never much of a pitcher back in the days of yore, and apparently time has done nothing to change that, as his performance on Wednesday night was one that only Steve Blass and Bill Stemmeyer would appreciate. After a shaky first inning that made Pirates fans a little carsick, the second inning was enough to make Pirates fans feel like Eddie Sutton with vertigo. Granted the winds were blustery, the umpiring inconsistent and the opposing batters finicky, but walking a man on a 3-1 count by tossing a ball three feet behind him really can only be credited to a complete lack of talent. Despite a strangely productive performance from the Pirates' offense, the Black & Gold fell 23-14.
A few notable tidbits from the game:
- The newly shuffled lineup placed former OF and resident Pirates' sex symbol C. Castille behind the plate for Wednesday's affair. Castille took quite a liking to his new position, and Pirates management should be commended for having the foresight to place a rangy catcher like C. Castille behind the plate as a batterymate for S. Townsend. Castille was seen taking pure oxygen from a mask shortly after the game Wednesday night, a product of his understandable exhaustion from "shagging" hundreds of errant tosses by marksman S. Townsend.
- Skipper McHale, who apparently was not sufficiently embarrassed by shredding the majority of the structures within his right knee while running out an dribbling groundball, has taken his brazen lack of humility to a new level. Clearly trying to expand the Pirates' marketability beyond their current, admittedly narrow demographic, McHale was seen kibitzing after the game with a representative of FuBu, apparently finalizing a joint advertising deal with "Jesus in Cleats". Rumor is that there will be a joint spread of "Jesus" and "Skip" in the next issue of Jet magazine, showing how both a sensational athlete and an abominable drunk can feel like brothers by donning the same ridiculous headwear.
- "The Franchise" added to his growing legend Wednesday night by bashing an opposite-field HR off of the top of the water tower in right-center. After the game, the Pirates concluded that none of the non-Franchise roster was actually capable of standing at the fence in right-center and throwing a ball off of the water tower, much less hitting a ball from home plate onto the tower. Much of the credit behind the scenes was given to Franchise's new insurance policy in the lineup, S. Townsend. Rumbling Pirates were heard to say that if they were fortunate enough to have such an intimidating presence in the on-deck circle when they were up to bat, they would hit two balls off of the water tower and have two hot chicks at the game pawing at them.
Pirates Pillage Defending Champs, Nearly Upset Pros
Coming off of a miraculous doubleheader sweep last week, a confident crew of Angry Pirates took the field Wednesday night, hoping to prove that the previous week's results were legitimate. Trouble was that their case was going to have to be proven against the two most powerful teams in the BOSL Winter Season: Whale Tails, who are the defending league champs, and the Pikes, a juggernaut traveling squad with a roster that reads like a Who's Who of Gulf Coast Softball. Powered by their newfound confidence and a surplus of cold beer, the Pirates staged a performance that their handful fans will not soon forget.
The Pirates never let the Whale Tails feel comfortbale in the matinee session, thanks to a continued power surge at the plate and a stellar defensive effort. Pirate of the Week J. Koy made a sensational seated catch at the fence in LF, and 2B N. Maguire inhaled numerous rocket-shots off the Whale Tails' bats, keeping their prolific offense in check for the entire night. At the plate, the Pirates got a balanced effort from their entire lineup, jumping out to a comfortable lead and coasting to a relatively easy victory over the defending champs.
If the Pirates were fired up for Game One, then they were fully engulfed at the start of the nightcap. The Pikes rightfully believed that they were just making a leisurely stroll through the Winter BOSL en route to their one-billionth "BOSL Champions" T-shirt and that no competitor was worthy of sharing their field. To be fair, several of their players were somewhat distracted by the pesky ankle monitoring devices that the Texas Department of Corrections requires them to wear, and two of the more swollen Pikes appear to have eaten AWOL Pirate 1B K. Guidry. The second game went back and forth, with the Pikes clinging to a 15-9 advantage heading into the top of the fifth inning. In what was likely their last at-bat, the Pirates put together a furious rally, highlighted by a three-run HR by "The Franchise" K. Sharp, but in the end, they came up one run short. The Pirates are certainly not above claiming moral victories, and engaging in a tense nailbiter against the BOSL equivalent of the 1927 Yankees certainly gives them confidence as they head down the stretch of the Winter Season.
Among those in attendance was "consultant" M. McHale, patriarch of the Pirate dynasty, who was apparently summoned to "observe" the Pirates in a Reevesian role by his only male offspring, Pirate GM/Manager Skipper McHale. M. McHale seemed on edge throughout, speaking in short, polite terms that made those Pirates familiar with M. McHale's usual style quite nervous. Little is known about M. McHale's future with the club, though it certainly brings to the forefront the question of T. McHale's future. Some sources believe that T. McHale is attempting euthanize his life as a Pirate by paying someone to fire him, hoping to put him out of the miserable life that he created. Watch for more in the Booty later this week on this developing story.
The night was marred by repeated misinterpretations of the Rules of the Game by Friend of the Pirates D. Walker, who on multiple occassions stared helplessly at the competitors as if he was a stray cat. The result of these controversial calls, of course, was a series of heated confrontations, vulgar tirades and embarrassing meltdowns, in pure Pirate fashion. In the end, though, the Pirates left Optimist Field certain that they belonged on the field with any team they come up against. I would not want to be the Scrappers on January 11th.
Skipper's Weekly Tirade
The satisfying doubleheader sweep was not without its typical collection of whiffs, boots and mental mistakes. Skipper recaps his version of Wednesday night's events in his Weekly Tirade.
Pirate of the Week Award
Congratulations to Pirate LF J. Koy for being named this week's Pirate of the Week. J. Koy continued his blistering pace at the plate, including a clutch two-run HR in the top of the 1st inning v. the Pikes, which set the tone for the game and sent a clear message that the Pirates were not backing down. J. Koy also did his best J. Edmonds impersonation in the field, "accidentally" taking a seat on the warning track and still maintaining enough focus to haul in a deep fly ball. In addition, J. Koy made another sliding catch and fired numerous Howitzers in from the outfield, though his most powerful throw of the night was against the dugout fence in response to (another) blown call by Big D.
Sweetwhiffer Maguire delicately caressing his bat as if it was a finely crafted Pinot Noir, shortly after its use as a prop in a comedic softball skit which earned him the dishonor of Ward of the Week
December 14, 2005
Pirates Get Clock Cleaned to Open Winter Season
On a cold, misty night, the Water Buffalo's bats launched numerous frozen ropes, while the Pirates' bats simply froze, falling harmlessly 17-10. The Water Buffalo are one of a handful of "Sunday League" teams making their Wednesday night debut during the Winter Season, and the Pirates were as hospitable as possible, rolling out the red carpet by politely lobbing pop-ups and trickling ground balls to their fielders so as to make them feel right at home.
Skipper McHale unveiled a new defensive alignment, and by most accounts, it was deemed quite effective. The Pirates defense, for a change, was not their undoing. Their bats, on the other hand, will have to quickly awaken from their deep December slumber if they hope to scratch out a single win in the Winter League, as their opponents on the whole seem to mainly consist of players who each resemble the ancient Greek God of Burly Softball Greatness.
November 23, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: Closed Door Meeting at Pirates' HQ
Sources close to the Angry Pirates' front office report that there were heated closed-door discussions late into the evening on Thursday night regarding the future of the Pirates. One source, who asked to be referred to as "S. Townsend" so as to shield his true identity, claims that he has threatened to resign from the Pirates if massive roster changes do not occur prior to Opening Day. Apparently, one of the changes being considered involves Owner/GM/Manager Skipper McHale. Reportedly McHale the Owner is trying to determine whether McHale the GM or McHale the Manager is more responsible for the team's laughable performance and is considering firing the more culpable McHale. Removal of McHale the Manager could result in McHale the GM sitting in the top row of the bleachers in a three-piece suit with a bottle of champagne on game nights rather than sporting a skull cap and spikes in the dugout with the players, a change that would clearly be popular with the female Pirates fan base, but one that could certainly cause noticeable ripples in the team's clubhouse chemistry, as players would no longer be publicly dressed down or be cautioned against speaking freely amongst themselves.
McHale's reputation for violently confronting his players is certainly not winning him much support behind the scenes. One Pirates player, who asked to be referred to as "S. Townsend" so as to shield his true identity, claims that McHale has challenged his dedication to the Pirates for failing to cancel his family's Thanksgiving plans in order to improve his shaky defensive skills. Reportedly "S. Townsend" politely informed McHale that he should not believe that just because McHale's family would rather spend the Thanksgiving holiday sans McHale does not mean that McHale should assume that all families hate their own Pirates' kin equally.
There were also concerns expressed that McHale is too distracted from his own personal medical concerns (rehabbing his lame left knee) to properly tend to his duties as GM/Manager. McHale has intimated off the record under conditions of strict anonymity that he believes that his own return to the playing field will likely prove to be the missing piece in the Pirates' chase for a title. Skeptics claim that the addition of another light-hitting, no-fielding member to the active roster would only further cloud the Pirates' title hopes.
Questions were also raised about the conflicted mind of DH H. Landers, who apparently skipped the Pirates' postseason games to attend a modeling audition. McHale cited Landers' rugged good looks and lackluster softball performances as sufficent enough reasons for Landers to consider the potential career move.
BREAKING NEWS: Five Starting Positions "Up in the Air" according to McHale
In a rare interview conducted late last evening from his palatial Midtown estate, Skipper McHale, apparently acting under the assumption that he will be returning to the Pirates another season, waxed poetically about his plans for the upcoming Winter Season. The two most notable remarks came with regard to the possible implentation of a pitching rotation rather than a reliance upon an everyday starting pitcher and with regard to the potential for open positions come the start of Winterball.
On the pitching front, Skipper McHale is apparently toying with the concept of rotating pitchers on a weekly basis rather than running Blue Jeans Pawlik out to the mound every Wednesday night. There is some question as to whether this move is motivated by a concern about the diminishing quality of Pawlik's pitching or by a belief in the front office that the pitcher's mound could be a good spot to hide lesser-skilled Pirates. Regardless, names being bantered about for potential slots in the rotation include current ace J. Pawlik, lefty reliever K. Guidry, ousted LCF C. Castille and former starting pitcher S. Townsend, among others.
Between bites out of a Wendy's Triple Bacon Cheeseburger and guzzles from his frothy Coors Light, McHale went on to say that he considers five of the non-pitcher spots in the Pirates lineup sealed shut, but that there are several positions at which he is still undecided. Apparently, the positions of LF, LCF, RCF, SS and 2B are considered filled come Opening Day, but McHale would not reveal who would be filling those positions, saying only that "some of these names may surprise you". As far as RF, 3B, 1B and C, McHale would not speculate on his options for those positions, only saying that the players who have previously been filling those roles for the Pirates should not necessarily feel comfortable about the security of their Wednesday night jobs. Much of McHale's decision will ride on whether or not he believes that the Pirates as currently structured have reached a permanent plateau, never to become a team that could win a playoff game, or if a minor tweak or a major overhaul of the Pirates' roster would be successul in taking the team to the lofty next level: mediocrity.
Apparently there was an intense clash between McHale and one of his subordinates about McHale's apparent contentment with a .500 record and another quick playoff exit. Some close to the situation believe that this past regular season, in which the Pirates did finish with in a franchise-best 3rd place, was more the result of a weaker schedule than of improved play. McHale seems rather conflicted about the direction of the team, and only Opening Night of the Winter Season will truly reveal whether he believes that this past season was merely the bulkiest turd yet in the steaming pile of crap that is the Pirates' record book or a fertilizing nutrient sure to lead to a blossoming championship future for the Pirates. Regardless, the current state of the club smells rancid, and there is certainly some belief that something is going to have to change to prevent several nauseous Pirates from gagging towards the exit.
November 16, 2005
The Angry Pirates Swallow their Swords - Lose in 1st Round
It was a bone-chilling night for the Pirates and their fans on Wednesday night, just what hardball in November is supposed to be like. The beer was plentiful, the taco stand ablaze, and the the wine was flowing like, well, wine. Unfortunately, the Pirates' defense played like their hands were ice blocks, and in the first round matchup against the last-place team from the regular season, the Pirates were destroyed 23-13.
The lead shifted back and forth in the early going: The Rac 2-0, the Pirates 3-2, tied 3-3, the Pirates 6-3, the Rac 6-6, the Pirates 7-6...and then...the Pirates began taking on water and the U.S.S. Championship Hopes was sunk. Balls rolled under gloves. Balls flew over heads. Balls landed in front of onlooking fielders. Balls were flung past intended recipients...widely past them. Balls were pitched over, under and around the strike zone. All in all, it was the perfect storm of softball ineptitude, and it will likely result in massive offseason changes for the Pirates organization. To be frank, no Pirate is safe. Well, K. Sharp, but that goes without saying. The next weeks will involve a lot of sleepless nights for the Pirates, wondering if their roster spot will still be there come December 7, Opening Night of the Winter Season.
November 9, 2005
The Angry Pirates Clinch 3rd Place Regular Season Finish
It was slightly anticlimactic since it resulted from of a forfeit victory, but there's no need for an asterisk. Imogene's ironic mixture of arrogant showboating and miniscule talent has apparently reached a level so great that they can no longer even field enough players to man the infield, much less all ten defensive positions. The Pirates came ready and in abundance, even sending four of their finest over to help plug Imogene's holes just long enough to 'scrimmage' for a couple of innings. By 'scrimmage', I mean 'bat around without making an out.'
Stats were not kept because the game was unofficial, but J. Koy and K. Sharp certainly deserve mention for their back-to-back HR leading off the Pirates' half of the first. It got so ugly that B. O'Rourke was optioned across the field to Imogene after embarrassing his teammates by making the Pirates' first out (he was the 14th batter of the inning). Skipper McHale unveiled his best Phil Garner 'Sunday Special' lineup, allowing eager Pirates to showcase their talents at new positions in the field. One could certainly surmise that the Pirates have not had this much momentum since Scrap vacationed in Marfa for a week. We'll see next week if the roll continues.
Bracket Contest
It's Fall Frenzy time at the BOSL - office productivity around the nation is certain to plummet with the release of the BOSL Tournament Bracket. Here's how the bracket shapes up:
6:40 - (7) The Rac v. (3) The Angry Pirates
7:30 - (5) Chaos Reloaded v. (4) Imogene
8:20 - (6) Porn Stars v. (2) Old School
9:10 - The Angry Pirates (a/k/a Winner of 6:40 game) v. (1) Whale Tails
10:00 - Winner of 7:30 game v. Winner of 8:20 game
10:50 - The Angry Pirates (a/k/a Winner of 9:10 game) v. Winner of 10:00 game
Send in your completed brackets to fanmail@theangrypirates.net, and the winner will receive a private five-minute personal tirade at an uncomfortably close distance from an inebriated Skipper.
Here's one webmaster's not-so-humble predictions:
6:40 - The Angry Pirates 17, The Rac 5: The Rac is a respected group of guys who play the game right. Unfortunately, they don't play it well, and the Pirates will pummel them into a quick submission, seeking revenge a sorry opening night defeat.
7:30 - Chaos 3.50 x 10E6, Imogene 5: Buoyed by their hatred of the 75% of Texans who rudely foiled their matrimonial plans at the ballot box on Tuesday, Chaos slaps a short-handed Imogene silly.
8:20 - Porn Stars 7, Old School 6: In a mild upset, the soon-to-be-extinct Porn Stars rise to the occasion one last time, knocking off the irritating Old Schoolers in an offensive struggle.
9:10 - The Angry Pirates 22, Whale Tails 18: A two-hour layover results in an early-inning hangover for the Pirates, who successfully triple their collective BAL during the break but struggle to get their game faces on early in the first semifinal. The Whale Tails dash out to an early double-digit lead, but fueled by a profane mid-game tongue-lashing by Skipper McHale, the Pirates rally to put away the Next Big Thing of the BOSL in resounding fashion.
10:00 - Porn Stars 9, Chaos 6: In "Gay Porn - the Sequel", these two intolerable troops engage in an intimate physical struggle that is not suitable for children or people who enjoy watching well-played softball. The Porn Stars rally for five runs in the final frame, thanks in large part to the fact that the entire Chaos OF departs early so as to not miss the premiere of "Behind the Music: Cher".
10:50 - The Angry Pirates 11, Porn Stars 0: Pirates ace LHP J. Pawlik bewilders the Porn Star sticks for four shutout innings to help the Pirates capture the tournament title. The Bomber threatens to break up the masterpiece with two outs in the bottom of the fourth inning when he lines a clean single to left. Inexplicably, Pirates LF K. Sharp cleanly fields the ball takes off running out to center field, evading several would-be tackles from his fellow Pirates OFers, and he hops the fence and sprints out of view behind the water tower with ball in hand. The Bomber continues to madly circle the bases, winking and blowing kisses to his Shorty en route, only to be hosed at the plate when K. Sharp drops an absolute laser on the catcher from just south of the 610 interchange.
October 12, 2005
It was a rollercoaster ride for the Angry Pirates last night. Sadly, the ride ended with all of the Pirates' players being tossed from their securely fastened seats like dainty little ragdolls and with their dignity as well as the majority of their innards being hastily scattered across the grounds of Optimist Field like piles of filthy litter under the Pierce Elevated.
The matinee matchup with LCF C. Castille's not-so-secret admirers started off rather awkwardly when BOSL's Happiest learned that the token of their affection was not in attendance. The Pirates were severely shorthanded, forcing several to learn positions on the fly. Not so surprisingly, the game was a slugfest. The Pirates would thrust their swords in deep, only for Chaos to slap and nibble their way back into the game. Always possessing a flair for the dramatic (a quality that the females clearly find irresistable), the Pirates fought back from a four-run deficit in the fifth to take the lead with time waning. Coaxing a lead with mere seconds remaining on Blue's timepiece, it appeared that the Pirates were on their way to certain victory. However, the Second-That-Would-Not-Tick reared its ugly head, and eventually extra innings became necessary. After Chaos dropped a five-spot on the board in the top of the sixth, the resilient Pirates rallied to tie it and send it into one-pitch sudden death. In the extra frame, the Pirates compiled an impressive assortment of bad hitting, terrible fielding and boneheaded baserunning plays to seal their fates. The Fruits ripened, 21-16.
Bewildered, stunned, embarrassed and ashamed, the Pirates walked into the second game of the doubleheader feeling like they do most mornings. It was gut check time, and Skipper McHale had to circle the proverbial wagons for a matchup against BOSL's rising stars, the Whale Tails. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The Pirates folded up like a rented tux. Final score: Whale Tails 17, Angry Pirates 2 (in 2.5 innings).
October 5, 2005
Minus their Fearless Leader (pictured below) who was sampling the nightlife in the bustling Texas metropolis of Marfa, the short-handed Angry Pirates took the field Wednesday night against their longtime nemesis -- the Porn Stars. The Bomber was in his full Jemima-regalia and as strapping as ever, and Porn Stars' typically obnoxious one-liners were as thick in the air as the swarm of Rita-spawned mosquitoes. Topping all of these distractions were the absence of a large cooler and the presence of a solitary lukewarm 18-pack to sustain us, but the Pirates were not to be denied on this night, overcoming all and prevailing 9-7.
The Pirates jumped out to 7-3 lead after 2.5 innings thanks in large part to three consecutive hits from LCF and resident sex symbol C. Castille, 2B N. Maguire and replacement RF The New Tim and a pair of Porn Star defensive lapses, but the Stars rallied to tie the score in the bottom of the third. With two outs in the Pirates' fourth, interim manager and occasionally trusty backstop S. Townsend came through with a clutch go-ahead RBI single through the gap between SS and 3B and came "racing" around to score on RCF O'Rourke's tape-measure double to LF.
Behind stellar pitching and defense the rest of the way, notably multiple heat-seeking OF assists from Newcomer of the Year K. Sharp in left field and fearless glovework on the left-side of the infield from 3B B. Moore and SS J. Koy, the Pirates retired the Stars without as much as a whimper in the fourth and fifth innings to improve their record on the young season to (2-1). Surprisingly, not a punch was thrown as the Pirates gloated and boasted through the post-game handshake line. I believe it was because even the Porn Stars knew that a new era was being ushered in, and their reign atop the BOSL had clearly come to a crashing end.
Recipients of the "Pirate of the Week" Award
April 5, 2006: N. Maguire (perfect night at plate, great glove work)
March 22, 2006: K. Sharp (see 9/28/05 award notes
March 15, 2006: S. Townsend (failing to inflict his horrendous pitching on those in attendance by being absent)
March 8, 2006: L. Ward (inspirational play)
January 11, 2006: Absolutely no one
December 28, 2005: J. Koy (HR v. the Pikes, fancy catch in left field)
December 21, 2005: K. Sharp (inside-the-park grand slam)
December 7, 2005: J. Vandenberg (two hits, including a triple, masterful play at first, and resolving intrateam strife)
November 16, 2005: L. Ward (for chugging a 5-liter box of wine and insulting every ethnic group on Earth)
November 9, 2005: C. Stanich (for his mystifying display of Jorts on the field)
November 2, 2005: L. Ward (perfect night at the plate in his Pirate debut)
October 12, 2005: B. O'Rourke (for his cool-minded disposition and brilliant display of sportsmanship)
October 5, 2005: H. Landers and T. McHale (for their absence)
September 28, 2005: K. Sharp (for his incredible on-field performance)
Recipients of the "Ward of the Week" Ward
April 5, 2006: L. Ward (swinging K to lead off game)
March 22, 2006: B. O'Rourke (running the bases like C. Castille)
March 15, 2006: H. Landers (leading the Pirates to never-before-seen depths of crappy play)
March 8, 2006: S. Townsend (shotgun pitching approach)
January 11, 2006: H. Landers (bunting)
December 28, 2005: S. Maguire (mighty whiff)
December 21, 2005: C. Stanich (mighty whiff)
December 7, 2005: C. Castille (attempting to destroy team unity with selfish use of childish tactics)
November 16, 2005: Skipper McHale (compiling the worst team in the history of organized softball)
November 9, 2005: L. Ward (skipping game for wine tasting)
Ancient Letters
We have received our first fan mail. This one is from "Chaos Unloaded" of Houston, who writes:
"Will you tell your left-center fielder to play with his shirt off. I love when he changes in the dugout before each game."
Thanks for writing, Chaos, and trust me, it's a treat for all of us when the Tejas Abogado makes his provocative weekly entrance.
More mail:
Dear Sirs:
Any chance of getting a Pirate to make a personal appearance at my next corporate event? And by "corporate event", I mean my youngest son's second birthday party. If he's available, I'd really like O'Rourke to dress up as a clown and make balloon animals for the kiddies.
Muy Cordialamente,
Escuela Vieja
Escuela, the Pirates criminal justice liaison has made a couple of phone calls, and it turns out that as long as this little party is kept under tight wraps, we should be able to rig our popular RCF's ankle monitoring device such that he will be able to stop by and provide a little ray of sunshine on your son's big day. Our counsel will have some papers for you to sign, and then everything will be just bueno. We promise that it will be a party that you'll not soon forget!
Dear Angry Pirates,
I stole the wallet from my mom's purse, and she found it under my bed. I was going to use the cash to buy some weed to impress this girl at school tomorrow, but the &%^& found the cash rolled up in my cigarette stash. Fortunately, she did not find her credit cards, which I hid in my underwear drawer. Can I expect to get my official #0 K. Guidry Angry Pirate jersey from your website before she cancels her cards?
Good luck in the tourney!
Lil' Tommy Timmons
Age 8
La Porte, Texas
Good news Lil' Tommy! The ink's about dry on our multi-dollar marketing deal, and a wide variety of The Angry Pirates apparel and novelty items should be available online soon. All proceeds will benefit The Angry Pirates Liver Demolition Fund.
posted by Scott at 9:44 AM
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