Roster Moves – Stanich Out, Ward Set to Return in Week Two

Angry Pirates RHP Cliff Stanich will not make his scheduled start on Wednesday, 4/18 due to a commitment to "visit hillbilles in West Vigrinia". Manager Bobby Moore has not yet announced a starter for Wednesday night's 8:20 game, but was outraged by Stanich's absence. “Who the h_ll am I supposed to start?”, inquired Moore. “Thomas? He’ll be too drunk to find the plate. Castille? Actually, if I start Castille, that would at least get him out of the outfield.”

Moore would like to start P/C Lee Ward, who is returning to the Pirates this season after a winter-long hiatus. Ward, however, has worked out a Roger Clemens-esque arrangement with Pirates 1B/Director of Player Personnel, Jay Vandenberg to play only half of the season, and won’t be available until the Pirates’ 4/25 game against Roundin Third. A two-sport athlete in the mold of Bo Jackson, Ward also competes bi-weekly in a Wednesday night tennis league featuring AM 790’s Charlie Pallillo, who Ward regularly beats like a drum and mocks during matches. When reached for comment on his arrangement for the upcoming season, Ward stated, “I will be a sporadic attendee and you know I don't want to further burnish my rep as being consistently inconsistent.” Ward went on to say, “It will be nice to swing my bat again.”