All-Time Stats Update

Stats Update

One reason for last night's loss? Eleven hitters combined to put up Adam Everett numbers.

Terrorism Hits Feld Park

In a move that rattled the organization to its aluminum core, K. "Franchise" Sharp abruptly quit the Angry Pirates yesterday approximately half an hour before gametime. According to sources close to the situation, the Pirates' most talented player arrived at Feld Park in a foul mood last night. Upon seeing the Skipper filling out his line-up card, Sharp was heard to remark that he would not be playing if the Pirates were going to bat more than eleven (11). When asked to elaborate upon his position, Sharp explained that he would not play for a team that did not give itself a chance to win, which, for all the softball novices out there, is apparently automatically the case whenever a team features more than 11 hitters.

As management does not negotiate with terrorists, Skip explained that the Pirates would in fact feature a twelve man batting order in the playoff opener. The Artist Formerly Known as Franchise ("AFKF") then began gesticulating wildly and screaming, "I don't need you! I don't need any of you!" before running to his truck, tears streaming down his face and skirt blowing in the spring wind.

It was later learned that AFKF had secretly joined a traveling "competitive" softball team that plays in another league on Wednesday nights, and that his run with the Pirates was coming to an end regardless. As the Pirates admittedly go through droughts of being less than competitive (e.g., January 2006 to the present), everyone completely understands the frustration AFKF must have felt playing with such inferior talent these past several months. Naturally, the Angry Pirates wish him the best of luck in his new endeavor. While management would have hoped all resignations occur BETWEEN SEASONS instead of merely minutes before the playoffs began, it understands that AFKF handled it in a manner he felt was proper, upstanding, and not at all like an eight-year old girl. While management thanks AFKF for his contributions to the growth of the organization, everyone is left to wonder what off-season moves will be made to counteract the loss of the sixth-best player in franchise history.

BREAKING NEWS: Vandenberg to Make His Managerial Debut

Pirates interim manager S. Townsend has apparently buckled under the pressure of managing a one-win softball team, leaving the managerial duties for tonight's game up to 1B J. Vandenberg.

Townsend told reporters today that he had to "work late". Since it is well-publicized that Townsend's "career" is little more than glorified administrative role used as a cover for blogging on htownsports.blogspot.com, reaction to the news has been somewhat skeptical.

When reached for comment, Pirates PR Director, E. Townsend stated "He hasn't worked a full day in his life. Working late? This is obviously a cover."

Due to Townsend's absence, Vandenberg posted this revised lineup:

Koy – LF
Stanich – P
Vandenberg – 1B
Franchise – LCF
O’Rourke - RCF
Moore – SS
Castille – RF
G. Sharp – 2B
Murillo – C
Thomas – 3B

Tonight's game

UPDATE: TONIGHT'S LINEUP

Assuming N. Maguire shows:

Koy – LF
Stanich – P
Vandenberg – 1B
Franchise – LCF
Townsend – 3B
O’Rourke - RCF
Moore – SS
Castille – RF
G. Sharp – C
Murillo – DH
Thomas - DH
Maguire – 2B

If no N. Maguire, then:

Koy – LF
Stanich – P
Vandenberg – 1B
Franchise – LCF
Townsend – 3B
O’Rourke - RCF
Moore – SS
Castille – RF
G. Sharp – C
Murillo – DH
Thomas – 2B

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I figure this board is as fitting of a forum as any to publish my own personal guarantee that the Angry Pirates emerge victorious tonight against Seaker City. I involuntarily arose from a halfhearted slumber at 3:00 this morning with visions of flawless defense and intimidating offense dancing through my head, and I believe that said visions coupled with the absence of our drunken leader are certain to combine to produce a stirring victory tonight at Feld Park over our most storied rival.

Angry Pirates 16, Seaker City 7.

An Open Letter to Skipper McHale...

Skip,

Last night, I discovered that was left off yesterday's email distribution about tonight's game. After discussing the situation with O'Rourke, we came to the conclusion that, in light of recent team turmoil and rash managerial decisions, this was probably your subtle way of letting me know that I've been cut.

Assuming this is the case, I've enjoyed my time as a Pirate, and wish the organization nothing but the best in the future. Good luck with Landers at 1B--I guess I understand if you felt that you needed to go with a youth movement. Landers is almost 2 years younger than me, and in softball years, that's a lifetime. I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall when you and Marty went cooler shopping last week.

FYI...I've already been picked up on waivers by DEA. You'll have to compensate Pawlik with a bottle of malt liquor and a new pair of black Wranglers if you wish to retain the rights to my services.

Sincerely,
-Vandenberg